Before I actually had my child, I was filled with many idealized visions of how motherhood would be and what I would and wouldn’t do once my child arrived. Having no idea what I was in for, I still felt comfortable enough to make bold and confident assertions such as: “My child won’t use a pacifier.” “My child will not sleep in my bed.” “My child will not watch TV until age 3.” “My child will eat 4 servings of fruit and vegetables a day.”

If you don’t have children, you are probably nodding your head in agreement and thinking “That sounds reasonable.” If you are a parent, you are laughing your head off right now. “What a naive idiot,” you’re thinking. Let me tell you, the Mommy I was before the baby arrived and the Mommy I became once my child was here are two different entities.

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What I Said Before Baby: “No child of mine will use a pacifier. They are an artificial way of finding comfort and they are bad for your teeth. I will be able to soothe my child by singing, reading and rocking.”

What I Said Two Hours After Bringing Baby Home From the Hospital: “Honey, go to the drugstore and buy every kind of pacifier you can and bring them home RIGHT NOW. I don’t care that there is a torrential rainstorm and a tornado warning. This child won’t stop crying and I have no idea what to do–I’ve changed him, fed him, rocked him, sung to him, held him, burped him, swaddled him and I’m at the end of my rope. GET ME A PACIFIER RIGHT NOW!!!!!!” (Note: Baby did use a pacifier but we were able to get it away from him before he was a year old.)

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What I Said Before Baby: “No child of mine will sleep in my bed. I’ve seen all kinds of parents make this mistake and then they can’t get the kid out of their bedroom. That is bad for a marriage and bad for the child. All babies should learn to sleep by themselves in a crib in a separate room. I will use the cry-it-out method if needed and teach the baby to sleep alone.”

What I Said After Four Months of Trying To Put the Baby To Sleep In A Crib and Having Him Wake Up Crying One Millisecond After Laying Him Down: “It is more important for everyone in the family–especially the mother–to get as much sleep as possible. The baby seems to sleep better when he is in our bed. In fact, he seems to sleep through the night. It is unnatural for a small baby–who is near his loving mother all through his waking hours–to be put alone in a bed by himself in the dark at night and be expected to sleep. The family bed is the norm in every nation in the world but the United States. He will sleep in our bed but I promise I’ll get him out by the time he is three.” (Note: Baby did sleep in our bed until he was about 2.5 years old and then we were able to gradually get him into his own room and bed. Though it wasn’t until he was 3.75 years old that I didn’t have to lay next to him for him to fall asleep. This is still a work in progress. Also, I realized I didn’t have the stomach to carry out the cry-it-out method–it just seemed inhumane.)

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What I Said Before Baby: “No child of mine will watch TV before the age of 3–and even then it will only be educational shows perhaps once or twice a week. The Academy of Pediatrics says that children under 2 shouldn’t watch any TV at all. I want my child to grow up to be a reader and not addicted to the television.”

What I Said After Two Years of Being A Stay-At-Home Mom: “Honey, Mommy’s knees really hurt after pushing cars around on the floor for two hours. How about we sit down on the couch and watch a show? …..[zzzzzzzzzzzz]….. What, honey? No mommy isn’t sleeping. I was just resting my eyes for a moment.” (Note: Actually, I was successful in restricting my child’s TV watching–almost too successful, in fact. My son will not watch a TV show for longer than 10 to 15 minutes; he would much rather play. Although this pleases me, I wish he would watch longer shows or a movie so I could just sit down and relax for a moment. This is one of those things that kind of backfired on me. I shamelessly try to interest him in movies, TV shows, even NASCAR racing–anything to catch a break and sit on the sofa.)

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What I Said Before Baby: “No child of mine will go without eating 3 to 4 vegetable and fruit servings a day. If you teach the child to eat fruits and vegetables from the start and model the behavior yourself, a child will learn that eating lots of fruits and vegetables is normal and what you should do.”

What I Said After Baby Developed Free Will And Stopped Eating Baby Food: “Ketchup is made from tomatoes, right? That should count as a vegetable. And dipping tater tots in ketchup makes for 2 servings of vegetables. And after these chocolate-covered strawberries for dessert, we should be up to 3 servings. That is good for today. I know, he loves cheese. I’ll serve him cauliflower smothered in melted cheese tomorrow.” (Note: As any mother knows, getting a child to eat something that he really doesn’t want to eat is next to impossible. My son–who will try any dessert no matter what it looks like–is incredibly stubborn when it comes to eating fruits and vegetables. So far, I’ve only managed to get him to eat potatoes, corn, peas, broccoli, bananas, grapes, applesauce and blueberries. If I get one veggie and one fruit in him a day, I consider it a success.)