Advice from a Lazy Housekeeper
by Jenners • 12/01/2008 • Lessons Learned • 16 Comments
Some people are fanatical housekeepers. My grandmother was one. She actually ironed sheets before putting them on the bed. To me, this is absolutely insane. The sheets are underneath the bedspread AND you are going to sleep on them and instantly get them wrinkly. Why waste time ironing them? When I was younger, my parents actually sent me to my grandmother’s house for a week to learn how to keep house and cook my father’s favorite meals. It was not a huge success as my interests and aptitudes have never focused on homemaking (or cooking, for that matter).
But now I’m a homemaker/housewife/stay-at-home mom. So cleaning the house definitely falls into my domain of responsibility and I can no longer play the “I’m working full-time too” card with my husband. It is my job to keep the house clean (and take care of the kid, cook the meals, run the errands, mow the grass and so on … you know the drill).
So, if you are not one of those fanatical housekeepers and don’t want to spend inordinate amounts of time keeping your house clean, here is some advice.
- Never buy Mission style furniture. An example of Mission style furniture is shown to the right. Mission style furniture is a major pain in the ass to keep clean. You have to dust between all those little slats and it takes forever! Trust me, I know. I made the m
istake of buying Mission style furniture for our bedroom and dining room. I regret that decision every time I have to clean it.
- Get rid of knickknacks. Knickknacks equal dust. Lots of knickknacks equals lots of dusting. The type of dusting where you have to dust the item and underneath it. This is very tedious dusting. So before buying any knickknacks, ask yourself “Do I really feel like dusting this for the rest of my life?” If you answer yes, then by all means buy the knickknack. But remember, the more knickknacks you have, the more time you’ll waste dusting them.
- As much as possible, cover as much of the baseboards in your house so you don’t have to clean them. So what if everything in a room is pushed up against the walls — no one will see your dusty, dirty baseboards.
- Buy heavy furniture so you’re not expected to move it when you vacuum.
- Pick a room/closet (depending on your needs) that you can easily close and lock. Use this room/closet as a dropping off point for all the stuff that you don’t feel like dealing with and is cluttering your house. Deal with the stuff in this room once or twice a year. So what if people think you are harboring a fugitive or cutting up body parts in the room? The truth of what is in there might be even more frightening.
- Follow the “One Thing A Week” rule. There are two parts to this rule. Part One: Each week, select one area that is bothering you the most and do something about it. You’ll feel a sense of accomplishment and remove something annoying. Part Two: Allow your significant other to pick one thing that you’ll do something about. By addressing one of their major concerns, you will get them off your back for everything else wrong with your housekeeping. For example, ridiculous things like dust in an air vent that is 6 feet off the ground bothers my husband. It doesn’t bother me; I am only 5’2″ so I never even look up there. But he can request that the air vent be cleaned if he wants and I’ll do it without complaint.
- Know how to quickly implement Desperate Measures. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you’ll find that you’ve been “caught with your pants down.” Someone will drop by unannounced or with very short notice and your house will not be guest-ready. In this case, you’ll need to adopt Desperate Measures to distract your visitor from the mess that is your house. Here are some ideas for such an emergency situation:
- Dim the lights or light candles.
- Play extremely loud music.
- Surreptitiously set off a smoke detector.
- Secretly dial your home phone from your cell phone and feign an emergency that requires an immediate exit from the premises.
- Fake a contagious cold or disease.
- Put a fake booger under your nose.
- Set off a stink bomb.
- Demonstrate your new mace sprayer and “accidentally” spray it in their eyes.
- Recognize the signs when you really must thoroughly clean a room. I hate to tell you this but sometimes you really must thoroughly clean a room. And by thoroughly I mean you actually dust the ceiling fan, clean the baseboards, move the furniture and vacuum under it, lift up cushions and vacuum under them and so forth — all the stuff us lazy housekeepers don’t bother with on a regular basis. The four signs that a room requires a thorough cleaning are:
- You see actual cobwebs.
- You can write your name in dust.
- You can’t remember what color the carpet is.
- There is a strange smell that you can’t identify.
I hope you find these tips helpful. If you have additional tips you’d like to share with me, comment away!
Of course you said it better than I could. The only thing I would add is 'Hire a housekeeper'.
Love this! Glad I am not the only one who uses some of these tricks! I love the one about giving your loved one an item to keep them happy. I totally use this.
You know that one junk room you have? I’ve got three of them, plus the basement, attic and garage. I imagine sometime in the future, someone will notice I haven’t been around for a few months and the mail is sticking out of the mail slot because the entire sun porch is filled with junk mail. Then the cops will come in and find me mummified, not between stacks of newspapers piled to the ceilings (I rarely buy/read newspapers) but between books, DVDs, file folders filled with useless articles and other papers (copies of old bills, half completed crossword puzzles, unpublished manuscripts) and all those items I have saved because I might be able to use them in a piece of art work some day. If I ever win the lottery, I will buy a new house and hire someone to bull doze this one along with all of its contents. That would be the quickest way to “clean house.”
I know I’m finding this post a little late, but, it is really one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time. I am sooo a “lazy housekeeper”. To me, dusting is probably the most dreaded chore of all. I’m like you – my house almost always looks neat and picked up, but, it definitely would not pass the white glove test. Thanks for making me laugh!
Yes, I’m reading this months after you wrote it, but it’s still great! I especially liked you suggestion about doing one major thing a week – one for me and one for him. He says he doesn’t care if the house is a mess, so that really isn’t any help to me. Keep them coming.
I can’t agree with you more! But, as for the ‘writing your name in the dust’, I usually tell visitors not to touch it because I’m trying out ‘new’ finishes for the furniture!
Thanks for sending me this link. This is hilarious and all true! I like your idea of asking the hubby for one thing he’d like done in a week. I’m going to chew on that one for a while and maybe try it out…and acts of service is one of his top love languages.
We must have been separated at birth.
That’s just how *I* clean! My office/spare room is my catch all room. When I *ahem* ‘clean house’, everything goes in there. Then I can shut the door.
Of course, every time I have to go in there, or even walk past it, I throw up in my mouth a little bit.
I’ll get around to it.
Thanks for stopping by my blissful corner of the blogworld!!
Merry SITSmas!
I wish I had read your tips before I bought my mission style furniture. I love it but yeah dusting it is a pain. I’m in spring cleaning mode the last few days – weird since we just got snow.
My mother used to be a sheet ironer. I’ve always known the woman was friggin’ insane. Wanna know how I iron? In the dryer. And I hem with scotch tape. And I can often write my name in dust. And I get that ‘what is THAT smell?!’ thing a lot… yeah, I suck.
me too me too me too!!!
i was smiling while reading it cos i’d probably do the same… the only difference is, in the Philippines, we can hire helpers at a very cheap cost so a lot of lazy moms hire them 
) hihi.
i do clean up but it’s not just my priority…if i have 10 list of things to do, that would be the 11th! harharhar…
Ha Ha! Another addition to the list: do not install full house wood or wood-like flooring! Much easier to vacumn than to sweep/dust every little inch of house. The dust grows amazingly fast!
So helpful, and PRACTICAL!
I think ironing sheets is INSANE as well. Both of my grandma’s did/do it. I’m glad that’s something I was never expected to do! Plus, who wants to sleep on starched sheets? I like em’ soft, thanks.
LOL! I love this post and I could also be considered a lazy housekeeper!
This is so funny!!! I am definitely under the “lazy housekeeper” label. I do just enough for the house to look neat, and then every so often, do a deep clean.
Loved your list! I personally identify with most of the things you said!
You are so funny! And a housekeeper after my own heart.
Also, I think I know where ironing crap comes from. DH is from E. Europe and they had no dryers, everything was line dried even in winter. Meaning no fabric softener. Hence the iron became the fabric softener so I bet your grandmother ironing was a holdover from the days before electric/gas dryers.
Cheers
M