Today I have an extra special treat for you all — insights into the male mind by an actual male! And although the male in question admits to watching America’s Next Top Model, has a subscription to Cosmopolitian (for research purposes only, he says), and is not afraid to wear a Snuggie in public, he says he has the required parts and I choose to believe him. If you read his hilariously fun blog Wild ARS Chase, you already know I’m talking about Andy Shaw – the real Andy Shaw (not the fake Andy Shaws he exposes on his blog each month). So you are in for a treat, ladies (my apologies to the handful of men who might actually read this blog from time to time), as Andy is about to give you a no holds barred look into the male psyche from birth until adulthood. (I’ll never look at my husband or my Little One in the same way again!)

A Glimpse Inside The Male Mind

If there is one thing I understand more than anything, it’s… Rock of Love Bus. But if there are two things I understand, it’s that women, again and again, say they have no idea what men are thinking. I thought I’d take advantage of a guest post on a site with so many female readers to explain to you the male mind, from birth to adult. I hope you get a better understanding of the sexual inclinations of men and our thoughts on the opposite sex. If you don’t, blame Sex and the City.

At birth: For some of us men, this is as close as we’ll get to lady parts for the rest of our life. That’s why some boys cry so much at birth. Those are tears of remorse.

As a toddler: We don’t think there’s much of a difference in genders, except Susie and Sally don’t like to play Cowboys and Indians… er, Native Americans… er, Original Settlers… as much. All the girls would rather play with stupid dolls. Except, there is that one girl that likes to play with trucks and bugs and G.I. Joes. We have a funny feeling about her.

As a first grader: Girls are even weirder now. They keep giggling at us, and we don’t know why. What’s so funny? Oh, like you’ve never peed your pants before.

As a fifth grader: You know, maybe girls aren’t THAT weird. That one girl is pretty cute. We hope she likes the Valentine’s Day card we gave her with Garfield/Buzz Lightyear/a Jonas Brother on it. Why is she tearing it up and rolling her eyes? Girls are confusing.

As a middle schooler, before puberty: Girls are hot. We want to touch their boobies, once we figure out what to do with them. All we know about boobies comes from Sears catalogs and someone’s mom’s Victoria’s Secret catalog. Some of us guys are getting body hair now; girls seem to like those guys more. Jealous!

As a middle schooler, at the start of puberty: OH GOD WHY IS EVERYTHING ON US SO WEIRD LOOKING?!?!?! IS IT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?!?!?

As a middle schooler, during puberty: We can’t stop thinking about girls. We have absolutely no idea how to talk to them, but we would like a girlfriend. To accomplish this, we acquiescence to the ridiculous demand of middle school girls everywhere: love notes. We would never say this stuff out loud– partially because our voice sounds like a broken accordion– but if that’s what girls want, we’ll do it. “Hey, what’s up? Study hall sux. U R pretty though. I have history next. It sux. Do you like history? N E Way, you’re cool or whatever and I was wondering if you would go out with me? Circle Yes No or Maybe.” All we’re really thinking is, “I think you at least kinda look like that girl from the Sears catalog. I’d like to make out with your face. Will you flash me so I can tell my guy friends? Circle Yes No or Maybe. Why am I sweating so much?”

As a high schooler: Some of us have lost our innocence now. Most of us are just pretending we lost our innocence, and will try not to faint when you decide to take off your shirt when we make out. We also pretend to be interested in sports and cars and stuff, but really, we just can’t stop thinking about that girl in math class who wore that low-cut top. She drives us crazy! How are we supposed to learn? We also are just figuring out what we like in a woman. Unfortunately for women involved, this usually means we have to dump our girlfriend of the month because she’s not what we’re looking for anymore. Is that girl from math class single?

As a college student: We have never seen so many beautiful women in our entire lives. It’s as if all the hot girls in all the high schools have come to one place. And all the women seem too eager to find the man of their dreams to marry. Fish in a barrel! But now, they want to, like, be in a real relationship. What’s that about? We can’t just fool around?

As a recent college graduate: Wait, where did all the single women go? Everyone is married, and the ones that aren’t seem really bitter about getting left behind. Well, there are always college girls…

As a mid-20s man: You know who’s hot? A cougar! They don’t whine and moan about their insecurities. They just get to business.

As an adult man in a committed relationship: We are so happy to be with you. We don’t have to constantly think about other women now, which has increased our brain productivity 200 percent. And we’ve also realized that this entire time, women stress more about what other women think about them, than men ever do. That’s a scary thought.