Me + Birds = Government Intervention … A Cautionary Tale
by Jenners • 07/28/2009 • Lessons Learned, Life • 31 Comments
First Of All, Why Are You Telling Us This?
So the other day, Blueviolet at A Nut In A Nutshell had a post about how she was cornered in the store by a crazy bird lady who talked her ear off for 40 minutes about how amazing birds are. In my comment, I told Blueviolet that I used to BE that crazy bird lady — until the government shut me down. Blueviolet basically begged me to tell this story and since I won’t be around for Writer’s Workshop this week due to an impromptu trip to the beach, this will be my weekly post. If you hate it, direct all negative comments to Blueviolet. Thank you.
The Story
Once upon a time, I decided I wanted to have a bird feeder. Mr. Jenners and I had recently moved into our first house, and it had a lovely bay window in the kitchen. I envisioned a quaint little bird feeder and myself as Snow White — with birds landing on my shoulders as I sang beautifully and watered my garden. They would eat out of the palm of my hand, and I would be in tune with nature. (Never mind that Simon would kick me out of American Idol auditions and I have a black thumb. This was my fantasy!)
So I got myself my little bird feeder and embarked on what proved to be an expensive and drama-filled experience — culminating in government intervention. But I get ahead of myself.
I started small — with one little feeder. Not knowing what I was doing, I just got any old feeder and filled it up with the cheapest birdseed I could find. Within a day, the squirrels located and systematically emptied and clawed apart the bird feeder. The Squirrel War had begun. If you’ve ever attempted to feed birds, you’ll know that your #1 enemy is squirrels. They are agile, persevering, wily and smart. There are very few bird feeders that they do not know how to empty and destroy. After several tries, I finally hit upon a feeder and seed combination that seemed squirrel proof. Already, Mr. Jenners was a bit alarmed at the expense my little bird feeding habit was costing. Little did he know this was only the beginning.
See That Black Thing? That Sucker Will Keep Squirrels from Your Bird Feeder
Then began the glory days of my bird feeding career. The word quickly spread throughout Bird Land that there was a hip new bistro in town. Flocks of birds began arriving. The diversity was amazing. I bought a little bird book and started keeping track of all the different birds I saw. Even Mr. Jenners began getting involved. We quickly began classifying them as “Regular Birds” and “Premium Birds.” Basically, anything that was a boring brown color was a Regular Bird. The Premium Birds were the brightly colored birds — your cardinals, blue jays, red-bellied woodpeckers, red-winged blackbirds, goldfinches and so forth. One time, a peacock showed up. (Kidding.) It was ridiculously exciting to spot new birds. I added more feeders with specialized seeds for particular birds. I bought a bird bath (with a heater for the winter). I spent A LOT of money on bird seed, and spent lots of time cleaning the feeders and putting fresh water in the birdbath.
A Premium Bird Visits Our Bird BistroI really enjoyed all the birds except for one kind — mourning doves. These birds are idiots. Not only do they walk around all day under the feeder like a bunch of morons — waiting for more intelligent birds to knock seed down for them — they are wildly inefficient. According to my bird book, they build flimsy nests that can be easily knocked down by breezes. According to wild-bird-watching.com, “this loose pile of twigs is so lightly put together that often you can see through it from the bottom.” Sometimes they even build nests on the ground. DUH! Seriously, just watch mourning doves for a little bit and you’ll come around to my way of thinking. These birds are nitwits. I would often see them sleeping in the grass! Seriously, it is amazing that there are so many of them because it seems like they don’t have the wits to survive very long.
A Mourning Dove — Idiots of the Bird WorldThen — in the moment that signaled the beginning of the end — the city birds began to show up — intruders from nearby Philadelphia. Somehow the word had spread to Philly, and we started getting flocks of pigeons each morning. Huge flocks that would block out the sun. (Kidding. Maybe more like 30 birds — which is a lot of pigeons for a suburban lawn.)
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I Was A Dedicated Bird Lady Indeed!Neither Sleet or Rain or Snow Would Prevent Me From Taking Care of My Birds
(How Dorky Do I Look?)
And then I came home and found a letter on the front door from the County Health Department. It stated that a neighbor had filed a complaint about my bird feeding operation, and unless I shut it down before the next inspection, I would face fines and possible jail time. (OK…I’m kidding about the jail time. But there were fines involved and a citation I think.)
I was a bit peeved that whoever had filed the complaint didn’t talk to me first. I’m a reasonable person, and I would have worked something out. And I really went out of my way to keep the area clean. There is nothing like getting a complaint filed against you to turn you against the neighbors. Everyone was a suspect. Was it Mr. Wong from across the street — the one who let his young child play outside unsupervised and whose kid I repeatedly walked home after he wandered into the street? Was it the old lady next door who was suspicious that I seemed to time my comings and goings so as to avoid a 45-minute discussion about her various aches and pains? (I know…be more compassionate, Jenners! But every time I left the house she seemed to be lurking. It was too much.) Was it the weirdo people who seemed to have someone hidden in their upstairs room?
Mr. Jenners and I discussed the suspects at length but never figured out who it was. So we did what we had to do and shut it down. It was just as well because not too long after the government-forced shutdown, another mouth to feed arrived. And this one proved to be way more labor-intensive.
Look What A Stork Left On Our Doorstep!Did Not Accept Repeated Offerings of Seeds or Regurgitated Worms
You're obsessive. And nerdy. And you have a real knack for going insanely overboard. Which makes me adore you THAT MUCH MORE, because now I don't feel so bad for being obsessive, nerdy, and having a real knack for going insanely overboard! Plus, now whenever Mike rolls his eyes at me for any of my ridiculous "projects" (I call them projects, but there are probably quite a few choice words that would describe them better), I can just show him this post and I'll be in the clear. Thanks, Jenners!
lmao jenners
and thank you thank you violet lol
Jenners…AWESOME story!
I completely agree about the mourning doves…idiots…we are constantly sweeping up blown down scattered nest remnants here….dummies…
At least the stork is very smart! He knew what was needed and he delivered!
Oh this is such a great post! What a wonderful picture it paints of you. I wish you were my neighbor! Not only would I want to be your friend in these adventures, but you'd be the main character in a book I'd write!
I can't believe you were harassed over feeding birds! Crazy.
Squirrels are bitches.
I can see why bird watching would be fulfilling and enjoyable. I must admit that I laughed out loud at the thought of a heater for the bird bath, though.
Too funny!
I've always wanted to have a bird feeder….
I don't anymore!!!
I can't believe the neighbor wouldn't talk to you first. Or at least leave an anonymous note. Bird feeders are fun – I don't have one here tho, too many seaguls and starlings. They'd just take over the place. Nice pix – love the woodpecker.
Never knew birdfeeding could be shut down. You were dedicated!! And I agree 100% mourning doves are idiots!
The stork was sure kind to you.
For some reason i kept picturing that creepy-sweet lady on the Home Alone movie! I know you are much prettier than her!
I've been away (sorta) but now I am back & i have missed you, still loving your writing!
Great post. I particularly liked the winter photo of you cleaning snow off the tray. What a dedicated bird lover!! Doves are dumb, true. Squirrels are pesky…. and you should have started a business selling squab to the gourmet shops in your area.
Geeze, it wasn't like you were running a meth lab or something!!!
I'm back for one more thing, Jenners. Thanks for the info about mourning doves. Little did I know that those birds of peace could be so troublesome. They actually sleep on the ground?
Who knew that you were a crazy bird lady!? I don't have many fears – but for some unknown, probably insane reason – birds really, really scare me. Great story – thanks for sharing it.
i love you even more now that i know you were an outlaw for a brief time in your life. the bird thing? i can forgive you for that. birds scare the hell out of me.
There was one bird feeder here when we moved here, and then later I won a birdfeeder at an event. I love having birds in my yard but do wish the premium birds would come more often, and sit still long enough for me to take their photos!
Anyway you reminded me I need to fill them up again.
Wow that must have been some bird operation. We were given a bird house for Christmas and have not set it up, interested in starting your operation up again?
This is so funny – I loved the comment about the peacock. You had me cracking up over here.
You are one dedicated bird lady! I know that I would be like you watching for all the premium birds. My husband always tells us not to get a bird feeder. I can't believe that someone actually complained before talking to you first. What's with these people? Love the photos of you in your winter coat and the Little One waiting to come in. Fun post Jenners! Enjoy the beach!
Been there, done that. Although we never faced any neighborly complaints. I guess living out in the country has its perks!
I love this story! My kids love to watch the birds at their grandparent's house, especially the hummingbirds.
That is terrible that someone would ruin your fun! Geesh!
My husband is a bit obsessed with his bird feeders himself but luckily we live in the country.
I just like to take pictures of them.
That was totally worth telling!
I have to agree with you about the mourning doves. They just sit there. A call of alarm will go out in the bird world and every other winged creature is long gone and they'll just sit there oblivious. My son loves them for their stupidity.
I'm so glad you posted this. Loved it!
Hilarious story!
And I love the little package that the stork left – even if it was a bit fussy about what it (he) ate!
If you ever decide to re-institute your bird feeding program, maybe you should put a PayPal button on your blog to help defray the cost of fines and/or legal representation?
I'm just sayin'.
Have a great time at the beach!
Now, that was an impressive bird operation. I know you still feed hummingbirds.
We have a bunch of hummers vising our feeder. I took some photos but they not nearly as amazing as yours. I'll post them soon.
Great post!
And I really like what the stork left!
How rude! I love this story though. I have called the cops on our neighbors but only because their stupid dog is mean and bites and I have two small children. Oh and they don't speak English so I can't really talk to them. Ok, I am done feeling guilty, but I swear I never called the cops about your birds.
I'm so bummed someone called the cops on you! How rude.
The 1 time I tried using a bird feeder, it somehow attracted tiny mice. It was horrific!
I never thought of you as the crazy bird lady before but alas, I suppose it does indeed fit. That was quite a story.
My daughter brought home bird seed from a friend's house today. She made a bird house last month and just set it up. Thanks for the foreshadowing.