Paranoia, The Destroyer
by Jenners • 07/09/2009 • Writers Workshop • 34 Comments
I was going to do a different prompt but then the Little One had a nightmare so I was forced to sit in his room until he fell asleep and now I’m too tired to come up with my usual witty and erudite contribution so I’m choosing an easy prompt: What are you paranoid about?
- I’m paranoid that the Nigerian is not going to come through with the money he e-mailed me about.
- I’m paranoid that the cute top I bought at Wal-Mart is not quite as fashion forward as I thought — as I saw what can only be described as an 80-year-old toothless hunchback wearing the same shirt while pushing a walker into Target today.
- I’m paranoid that whenever I walk past a group of teenagers and they laugh that they are laughing at me.
- I’m paranoid that I’m going to stop behind a school bus filled with high schoolers at a red light and they will mock me while I have to pretend I can’t see them. (Has this ever happened to you? It is so awkward and horrible.)
- I’m paranoid Brad Pitt will realize that I am his soul mate, leave Angelina and then we’ll be embroiled in a bitter custody battle and I’ll be the stepmother of 6 (or is it 7?) kids.
- I’m paranoid that no one will get the reference to the song that I used in my title. (Bonus points if you can tell me the band who sang the song. No cheating!)
- I’m paranoid that I might win the lottery and be unable to prove that “money won’t change me in any real way.”
- I’m paranoid that someone has submitted my name to What Not To Wear and I’m being secretly filmed whenever I go outside to put mail in our mailbox wearing my mismatched pajamas, a baseball hat and Crocs.
Okay, you're paranoid that you'll be submitted to What Not to Wear, and Kitten's asking to be submitted? My head hurts!
I'd like to submit my tired and sleepy issue: I sat here for several minutes trying to figure out what song "Life With a Little One and More" came from.
Yeah.
I am paranoid I am being filmed by What Not to Wear too. But secretly I hope I am because I would LOVE 5000 to shop with!
Mismatched pj's and crocs are a staple of motherhood!!
Ohmigosh I TOTALLY have the same paranoia about teenagers! Actually, I think it's more like paranoia when ANYONE laughs within my hearing range, sigh.
And you MUST stop wearing Crocs, Jenners. Mismatched pajamas? All the rage. Crocs? Not so much. <3
Yes! Yes! Yes! To the awkwardness of being parked behind a high school bus. I instantly start feeling uncool!
I always think they are laughing at me too.
I was kinda hoping that would end with my teenage years.
I can't believe you called me a toothless, hunchback.
And here I thought it was cute that we were dressed as twins:(
Kinks, Pink Floyd or Michael Jackson…I get them all mixed up.
I too am freaked out by the thought that one of my "friends" has nominated me for What not to Wear and that I will go totally ape shit on the host with the most, Stacey and tell her to stick her heels where the sun don't shine. Then that clip will end up on The Dish with the witty some-what largish host making slurping noises and telling me to stand up straight.
And people say I have an overactive imagination…seriously, you don't think so do you?
It sounds to me like you feel as uncomfortable around teenagers as I do!
I am totally paranoid with little ones around water – be it the tub or swimming pool. I have nightmares about kids drowning all the time. Taking my son to swim lessons just about puts me over the edge with all the kids jumping in and out of the pool.
OMG, the "what not to wear" paranoid thought has actually crossed my mind too. LMAO.
Hilarious post!
OMG HAHAHA The what not to wear, my mom is always telling me she is going to send my name in….I tell her, it's not that I don't know what to wear, I just don't like to shop to get the clothes that I SHOULD wear! That's why I shop in HER closet!
Great post! And being erudite is overrated, in my non-erudite opinion! Funny is better, and you're all over that.
Shut up, you're getting money from the Nigerian too! OMG, we're both so lucky.
Ok, I'm embarrassed because the title of the post made me realize that I've been singing the wrong lyrics. I thought it was, paranoia: self destroyer. My bad.
Don't forget to let us know the band who sand the song…. Its going to bug me all day and I will not google it.
You are funny. Thanks for making me smile today.
Remember that the old woman wearing your clothes is just dressing way, way too young. I thought that Nigerian was supposed to be sending *me* the money! Now I'm really paranoid. I can sort of remember a line from the song in your title – Something about hidden cameras everywhere – but can't remember who sang it.
The school bus thing is THE WORST. I'm convinced that only happens at the longest red lights.
I've given up being paranoid about the Walmart clothes. Maybe one of these days I will regain a shred of dignity regarding what I wear. Right now, all I care about is looking presentable and making sure my fly isn't down.
You are so funny : ). I never pay much attention to people in other cars. The boys LOVE yelling hello to people that are walking or bike riding. I think they are hilarious! What is fun and games? I will look around and see if I can hook up!
You and I are long lost sisters… I have every one of these paranoias!! (except the Brad Pitt one, he and I split up way before Jenn A… she and Ang just got my leftovers)
I was on my way to work this morning and was be-bopping to some cranking Black Eyed Peas… head bobbing… fingers snapping… and this guy in a little Subaru passes me on the right and I noticed his head was wobbling like a bobblehead and he was laughing… I swear he was mimicking me!! I turned the music off immediately and assumed the 'hands at 10 and 2' position from that point forward… I will never be-bop in a car EVER AGAIN! (or maybe just until 4:30pm today)
and it was The Kinks… derrrr…
The Kinks, right?
Anyway – loved your list. Funny as usual!!! And I SO know what you mean about the high schoolers mocking you. And the people laughing as you walk by. Why do we always feel like it's about us?
There were several foreign exchange kids at my college and they'd start speaking in their language, and it never failed – I always thought they were secretly making fun of me! WHY?! Surely they have something better to talk about than me, but I always felt like that!
Hi there, visiting from Mama Kat's.
I hate being stuck behind a school bus full of kids, and not just high school kids…no, those little middle schoolers are the worst. Making faces and flipping you off. And ever stop sign you have to stop at, they seem to forget that you are the same car that was behind them a second ago, and as soon as the bus and you stop, they start with the waving and face making again…as if you didn't just endure that 10 seconds before. Funny though, it was only 8 years ago that I was in highschool, so why does it bother me so much?
You are hilarious! I'm literally cracking up over here. Great post.
I don't think that you need to be paranoid b/c you are fabulous!
I definitely know the song, but I can't remember the group's name. Funny paranoid thoughts! Those Nigerians keep offering me money too! I'm getting lottery notifications from Britain too. Such a generous world we have
I would not want to be tracked by What Not To Wear either. Please leave me alone with my outdated style! I'm picturing you on the cover of the National Enquirer with an angry Angelina wanting to ninja kick her rival!! Funny!
Awesome post. Great prompts. I wish I was on What Not To Wear. I think I am pretty fashionable. I just want the $5k to go shopping in NYC. Have a wonderful day and take care. Stopping by from Mama Kat's.
-Kiki
Once again…you are awesome.
The school bus one made me laugh out loud! It has soooooooo happened to me!
Hilarious hilarious hilarious!
Is it OK if I link up to you late Friday evening, or Saturday morning??
You are fricken hilarious! I love this!! I totally feel ya on the what not to wear paranoia. And the bus one..all the time.
P.S I'll join you for the Fun and Games post Friday!
LOL!!! This is great!! I wish I was half this witty on my best day!!
I know exactly what you mean about Brad Pitt. That same thing happened to me and Harry Connick, Jr., but I had to cut him loose because I just started to make my 25th wedding anniversary plans with my husband, and nothing, nothing, is going to stop those plans. Sorry, Harry.
This is you tired and 'easy'?!Well, YOU'RE not easy… oh, you know what I mean! Anyway, Pfffftttt!!!! I wish I could be this funny when I'm tired!
LOL, I don't think I will mind too much if I win the lottery and I change
I know exactly what you mean about the cute top. I bought an adorable skirt at H&M, and the other day, I saw a much, much older woman walking by wearing the same one.
I may never wear it again.