Playground Do’s and Don’ts
by Jenners • 10/21/2009 • Lessons Learned, Writers Workshop • 36 Comments
This week, I decided to go with Prompt 1: create a list of playground do’s and don’ts. I’m writing a list from the point of view of a mother and a child.
Mother Playground Do’s and Don’ts
- DO wear a shlubby outfit (sweats, Crocs, t-shirt), no make-up and spend less than 5 minutes styling your hair. DON’T wear a designer outfit with heels, full make-up and have your hair styled professionally.
- DO make sure your child only plays on the playground appropriate for their age. DON’T let your 12-year-old terrorize toddlers on the playground meant for ages 2 to 5.
- DO smile and talk at the other mothers. DON’T talk loudly on your cell phone during your entire playground stay—complaining about how your hot pool boy was wearing a shirt when he cleaned your in-ground pool the other day and that your husband is “only” getting a 5 figure bonus this year.
- For mothers weighing 130 pounds or less only: DO wear a fat suit around your middle area. DON’T complain about how you can’t lose the baby weight. (If you weight 130 pounds or less, you don’t have any baby weight.)
- DO discipline your child if he/she misbehaves. DON’T laugh when your child pushes another child off the slide and say “boys will be boys.”
Child Playground Do’s and Don’ts
- DO speak in a calm, friendly voice. DON’T use your “outside voice” if it exceeds 90 decibels.
- DO leave mysterious objects on the ground. DON’T pick up things if you don’t know what they are—especially long whitish rubbery things that look a little like a banana peel.
- DO take turns with other children. DON’T act as if the playground is your personal property—it isn’t, you brat.
- DO respect the animals and nature that you find at the playground. DON’T kills bugs just to see what happens or rip out the flowers to give to your mother.
- DO realize that the time limit for your mother pushing you on the swing is 5 minutes. DON’T scream like a banshee when your mother says her arms are tired from pushing you on the swing. Here’s an idea: learn to swing your own damn self.
- DO keep the interesting conversation you heard last night at dinner to yourself. DON’T tell the other children and mothers about the “funny” things that you saw mommy and daddy doing the other night when you should have been sleeping.
And I just have to share what the Little One said to me tonight when I gave him a hug:
“Mommy, I’m built for love.”
Sigh.
Whelp. It looks like I can't go to the playground…I basically AM a name brand. My pool boy IS hot…I mean really, what is it you want me to talk about??
I love your list!
This was great. I love your writing!
My little ones always hated that I tried to enforce a time limit on the swing.
Hilarious! I LOVE your idea of the skinny moms wearing a fat suit. Sometimes I want to pop them in their non existent stomaches… Cause I am mean like that : *(
Awesome list! I love the use of "shlubby"… Is that even a word? Cuz I looked it up on dictionary.com and it's totally not there… ergo, you get my "new word of the week" award!!!
Okay, so I don't actually have a fancy award thingy to go with it but there is some serious admiration from me for coming up with a new, cool word… I'm going to use it three times in conversation tomorrow.
I so completely loved this! And what your son said was the icing!
You had me cracking up here.
This is a very good list of playground rules. There sure are a lot to remember though. I liked the one about learning to swing by yourself too!
"Learn to swing your own damn self." Jen, you always know how to make my eyes water, haha.
Your little guy is so ADORABLE!
I love your list of rules!
Even more than the loud kids, I hate the kids who scream like they've just been impaled. There should be no screaming like that unless they ARE HURT.
The comment about learning to swing "your own damn self" is hilarious!
loved your list and thank you for passing by
So funny. But where in the world do you live where women dress up to go to the playground? I guess down here in the country your dress code is everyone's!! Ha! Ha! I hate it when big kids play on the little kids area. I always tell them they need to leave. My little Kate always gets ran over by them. Big bullies. Thanks for the laugh, again!
LOL! Great post. Thanks for sharing your playground do's and don'ts. I agree with everything. Before having a kid, I never realized how important the playground is, and how everyone needs to respect the playground and its rules. Those mamas that complain about their weight issues are the worst. The loud cell phone talkers are too. But I must admit, I eavesdrop. Take care.
I'm always amazed at how many moms are on cellphones at hte playground. Come on people.
Awesome list! I especially love the "for mothers -130#" part. No kidding! I just want to slap skinny "fat" women.
Has anyone ever told you, that you are hilarious!
LOVED this! It certainly brightened my morning!
I love your lists!
"Learn to swing your own damn self."
That had me in stitches…
And your little one? Priceless and "Built for Love!"
Yes, playground rules are a necessary, although often ignored, part of life. I just wish more people were like you (and me) so that we wouldn't have to look at the skinny chick w/the great hair, great shoes, great pool boy and rich husband ignore her kids so expertly. Some people are good at everything! Although, I think I could give the ignoring kids @ park experts a run for their money. It's the only time I have for tweeting and stuff:)
"Mommy, I'm built for love."
Love this!
They need to post this on EVERY playground across America … at the very least the ones in my town!
LOVE it! I did this prompt too!
Oh my – those last points had me laughing.
As for being built for love – that kid rocks!
Hysterical! I needed that. Although, I do shrug and say "nothing a trip to the emergency room and a few stitches won't fix". Or.. to another mother's horror "best to let them sort this out now by themselves before their big enough to do permanent damage"
Another rule for the kids should be "being polite isn't just an inside behavior". Z was (is) a slow-moving kid and nothing gets me more angry than impatient and rude kids that shove him to the side just to get somewhere a few seconds faster. I've even seen him sitting at the top of the slide when a kid steps over him to slide down first. So rude!
OMG You slay me…..that is really comedy, especially the swing thing AHAHAHAHA I'm still laughing that the one!
What a great list!
Haha! I love those rules, and agree whole heartedly! I hate it when big kids are on the toddler playground running past Joseph and scaring him. Now that I am I pregnant bitch, I have started telling them that they need to leave.
"Built for love" cracks me up! What a character.
Oh mylanta. Another one of your make-me-laugh-out-loud posts.
"Learn to swing your own damn self." LOVE IT.
This is just a freakin' riot, Jenners. I love it.
Great post!
We struggle with the big kids pushing our little one around. He doesn't make a big deal about it. I think it bothers me more than it bothers him.
ps – I cannot believe I never put a time limit on pushing my 3 yr old on the swings! Brilliant! Tho I do stop if there are other kids waiting.
I find your blog to be so refreshing. Its like a cool glass of water. Thank you.
btw – I respectfully disagree about this one:
DO speak in a calm, friendly voice. DON'T use your "outside voice."
I think its Ok to yell while outside playing. Not the whole time of course, but well… it is outside. Please don't hate me – ducking
I have to say I love the list. I also have DON'T. DON't allow your children to bring popsickles on the playground. They DO melt or break and are left for others to step in. (true story)
learn to swing your own damn self… lol, that made me lol!
We should post your rules on every playground
The one about the crying "swing hog" cracked me up! How many times have I sat and waited and waited and waited for a swing. The mother pushing the swing is like oblivious that I'm standing there with an anxious four year old. Sometimes I think I'm the only makeup free mother at the park. Who are these moms dolling themselves up for? The ice cream truck guy?
Very good. I wrote a playground list too, mine is just publishing tomorrow morning. Luckily we have different things so you won't think I copied you
That is a great list. I'm with ya on the swing thing. I hated pushing the swings. I'm a horrible mom and I even avoided parks with swings because I hated pushing the swings so much.
I LOVE your take on Writer's Workshop! This was awesome.