My (Mercifully Brief) Stand-Up Comedy Career
by Jenners • 02/26/2010 • Confessions, Life • 38 Comments
When I mentioned in a previous post that I once performed a stand-up comedy routine, many of you asked for details. Being willing to whore myself out for attention a friendly and responsive blogger, today I’m going to tell you about it. And, if you are willing to send me a VCR and a device that transfers VHS tapes to DVD, I would even be willing to put the performance up on my blog. (Yes … the whole debacle is on the ancient recording device known as a VHS tape. Remember those clunky things? No? God, you’re young! However, I’m fairly confident no one will send me this equipment, which is why I can so blithely make this offer.) So, anyway, on with the post.
How This Came About
I was in my early 20s—brash and overconfident as only 20-year-olds can be. I saw a blurb in an adult education brochure for a stand-up comedy class. I’d always believed I had the makings of a stand-up comic, so I signed up. In retrospect, I realize I should have dropped out the first day of class when the instructor told us his comedy idol was Andrew Dice Clay. I should have known right then I wasn’t going to learn too much about the comedy I was interested in (which would be funny comedy).
The class was a nightmare. We were essentially left to our own devices to write a 5-minute comedy routine. At the end of the 6-week class, we would perform our comedy routine at a local bar, which sponsored a comedy night once a week. It was like never having swum in your life and being thrown in the deep end of the pool. Only stubbornness and my misguided belief that I was a comedy star just waiting to be discovered kept me in the class.
Each week, the instructor reviewed our routines and offered “advice.” Let me tell you: Coming up with a comedy routine from scratch is freaking hard. All those stand-ups on TV make it look easy, but I’m here to tell you it isn’t. I spent the first three weeks of the six week class struggling to find a topic I could talk about for five minutes that was even marginally funny. Finally, I reached deep into my boundless imagination an old shoebox and found a paper that my friends and I had created in our freshman year of high school about “never before seen” Brady Bunch episodes. Stealing shamelessly from my old friends without permission Using this as a starting point, I managed to cobble together a routine that was intended to play off my All-American girl image (i.e., the fact that I looked like I was 12).
My Routine
I actually unearthed my note cards that I used on stage that night so I’m actually able to recreate almost the entire routine word for word. All that is missing is my shaky delivery, the smell of beer and cigarettes, and the complete absence of laughter. So here it is—my ground-breaking, barrier-smashing comedy routine. I’ve inserted my own commentary in italics.
When I was younger, I belonged to a really tough Girl Scout troop …
(Here the audience yelled out “How tough was it?” and threw me off my carefully calibrated timing. An awkward pause followed while I attempted to recover from this unanticipated audience participation.)
…Troop 666.
(Because nothing makes people laugh like invoking Satan!)
While other girls learned to cook, sew and camp, we learned:
- How to survive solitary imprisonment when wrongly imprisoned
- Painless amputation with a Girl Scout pocket knife
- How to disarm muggers with DoSiDo cookies.
While other girls played with dolls, we learned to use nunchucks and practiced hand to hand combat.
Yeah…we were tough.
(This time I’m ready for it but the audience remains mute. I continue on.)
We were so tough, we didn’t wear beanies, we had green berets.
We were so tough, whiles other girls roasted marshmallows, we gave each other tattoos with cattle prods.
We were so tough, the Rolling Stones hired us bodyguards at the Altamont concert.
(Way to include an outdated cultural reference that most audience members probably won’t understand! Consider that this was the early 1990s; it wasn’t the early 1970s when an Altamont reference would have been relevant or understood. I’ll wait while you Google it.)
It may not surprise you that we sold more cookies than other troops. Perhaps it was our unique selling methods: blackmail, extortion, torture.
A typical cookie-selling encounter went like this: “We have nude photos of your wife. Wanna buy some cookies?”
We used the profits to buy assault rifles to keep the Boy Scouts off our back.
We had some unique badges: Alligator Wrestling, Big Game Hunting, Counterinsurgency.
It may not surprise you that David Lynch, director of Blue Velvet, Eraserhead, Wild at Heart and Twin Peaks was a fan of our troop.
(Yet another off-beat reference! I’m sure most of the bar patrons were big fans of this cult director. I CANNOT believe I didn’t break out into mainstream comedy. <—–sarcasm.)
This got me to thinking, what if David Lynch directed the Brady Bunch?
(Talk about an awkward and nonsensical segue! But I only had about 2 minutes of “original” material and had to fill another three minutes.)
Mike and Carol go out believing Cindy has a slight case of the sniffles and she falls into a PCP coma.
Marsha’s job selling ladies underwear is threatened when Greg applies for the same job.
12-year-old American-Asian triplets show up at the house and call Mr. Brady “Dad.”
Bobby and Peter sneak into Sam’s meat locker and find dozens of frozen 13-year-olds.
A local newspaper exposes Mr. Brady as a leader of a Satanic cult … and …
(Wait for it … wait for my killer last line to bring it all home…)
…the killer of Laura Palmer.
(Oh My God! I somehow manage to tie the David Lynch and Brady Bunch themes together by referencing a somewhat popular cult TV show at the time. Is this genius or what? And, not content to leave them with with this classic line, I throw in a joke my dad told me that does not apply in any way at all to any of the material I delivered before.)
I heard there is a new radio station in town – WPMS. It plays three weeks of the blues and then a week of ragtime.
The End. Thank goodness.
A Final Analysis
Can you believe I actually got up in front of people and performed this routine? Can you believe that I invited all my co-workers to see my performance that night … including my boss … knowing what kind of routine I was going to deliver? Can you believe that pretty much all my co-workers came to the performance?
Actually, that last one is pretty easy to believe. I know I wouldn’t pass up a chance to see a coworker commit social suicide perform stand-up.
In working on this post, I am agog that I actually did this. What the hell was I thinking? And for an extra little treat for making it through this whole post, a photo of me performing my routine on stage in my one and only night as a stand-up comic.
Me On-Stage Doing Stand-Up ComedyI wore contacts back then. And was thinner.
I thought the outfit was “sexy.”
Notice the fake little handkerchief in the blazer pocket.
Nothing says sexy like a fake hanky in a blazer.
P.S. I decided I’m going to try and end all my posts with a little tag line like the one above. I give myself about two weeks tops before I tire of this.
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I actually thought that routine was funny! And you look HAWT sporting that fake hanky blazer… I had one or three of those!
Wowsers! I cant even talk normally in front of 2 people!!! Youre my hero!!!
You rock! And you looked good up there…hanky and ALL!
LOL! I could never do this! I think you were totally brave! I almost flunked speech class, can't imagine having to do that. You cracked me up and I love the photo!
I always wanted to do that (stand-up), but I am just too scared of making a fool out of myself. I make a fool of myself a lot and I try not to do it on purpose!
Good for you! You look great!
I think I just peed on myself
I totally agree with your first comment – the fact that you went up there shows that you are awesome! I could never have done it (unless I was reeeeally drunk!!). And it was funny! You just had a sucky crowd. (and really, Andrew Dice Clay? Someone actually LIKED him??)
great story–maybe you missed your true vocation ;P
Ok, I didn't get a lot of the cultural references (of course we didn't have cable when I was growing up, so I still haven't seen a full episode of the brady bunch – I hear I'm not missing much though). Very brave of you to do the routine and to post about it.
Thanks so much for sharing! I think if you had to do it again and added all the stuff in italics people would laugh. I know I did! But then again, I like your sense of humour better than Andrew Dice Clay's (who's not funny at all).
That was hysterical! Dosidos and David Lynch! I can tell by the picture that you were cracking up. Which is a good thing!
Brave soul! Very brave. I give you kudos. I never would have done that!
First of all, you looked cute in that outfit. I think I had about 5 of those kind of outfits back then. I applaud you for getting up and doing a routine. That's brave! Sounds like you had fun. I laughed at the cookie jokes. Those kind of lines would make the girl scout visits interesting to say the least!
You're my kind of gal: brave and mad!
Oh, and that brown outfit is sexy – nothing oozes sex like a 70s outfit…
You're really smiling on stage, so it looks as if you had fun!
Wow, I give you props for doing that! I actually thought some of your material was funny!
I knew you were brave when you posted the photo of your buzz cut but doing stand up gets you the Academy Award of Bravery!
I thought your bit was pretty funny. I understood all of your references without the help of Google. Maybe your audience was too lowbrow for your sophisticated humor.
umm, well, you have to give yourself huge
courage points. who else would do something
that scary.
AND some of your jokes were funny!
Oh you so get extra brownie points for the David Lynch references. And I so want to see him direct a Brady Bunchesque episode. Too cool!
There is a fine line between bravery and stupidity…LOL
You were very brave.
tagline: I had the blue because I had no shoes until upon the street I met a man who had no feet.
Timely post since Girl Scout cookies go on sale soon! I think your material was great.
And we're also working on getting some VHS material onto DVD – it's time consuming.
LOL doesn't even BEGIN to cover it!
You should give yourself credit, though – you're outfit really isn't that bad for being the 1990s. Way to keep it classy!
Wow … David Lynch humor just doesn't work, does it? Although you might have made it work if you said Alice made some "damn good coffee" …
You're brave though! I am the queen of one-liners but I would never try and entertain a group of strangers!
Wow. You are a brave, brave soul, Jenners! And I can't believe you weren't picked up by some hoity toity agent, like, INSTANTLY!
I would have laughed at you ummm I mean at your routine
You're too cute Jenners!
Look at YOU sexy momma! I'd pay good money to see THAT!
So brave! I could never. Very cute pic
I could never ever do that… I would have no idea what to do and then when it came down to it I would be a nervous mess.
And hey, it was the 90's that outfit was sexy
"We have nude photos of your wife. Wanna buy some cookies?" Priceless!
I loved your act! I cannot even begin to imagine getting on stage in front of that many people. Good for you for having the courage to do it!
You must be obsessed with girl scout cookies… this is yet another reference to them in recent posts!
and you know, most people avoid embarrassing themselves, but not you, nope! you're brave!
I smiled some…does that count? I think it is pretty awesome that you did that. That is way better than karaoking "Baby Got Back" in a redneck bar, with my 2 friends dancing around me….I think this is cute. A good memory. You might not be stand up comic material, but you are funny. I love reading your stuff. Thanks for sharing.
AHHH I LOVE this!!! David Lynch? Very cool!!
I'm DYING laughing over here that you invited your boss and coworkers! OMG, you are brave! I actually got the Altamont thing, btw. The radio station joke was very funny, I thought. I have to give you major credit for having the lady balls to do this… I never would. What did your coworkers have to say about it the next workday? Were they supportive or did they whisper in the breakroom?
LOL…love the nude photo line…I could never get up in front of a crowd so BRAVO to you!!!!
I actually really liked your routine… there were some really great bits in there – especially all of the stuff about your tough girl scout troop! And I LOVE this picture! I think you should give it another go.
You certainly looked like you were having a good time!! I love the picture!
I actually think your routine was funny, and I am definitely "OLD" enough to get all jokes as well!
That is awesome that you did this. Most people wouldn't even try.
I love the part where you say "We have nude photos of your wife, want to buy some cookies?" That was good!
And my oh my, those are some nice gams, girl!
first of all, listen… you are a total bad ass for jumping in and doing that. i am totally serious. i hope, somewhere in the back of your mind, you are proud of yourself.
i like the routine. especially the part about sam.