Review: Bad Mother by Ayelet Waldman
by Jenners • 03/11/2010 • 4 Stars, B Titles, Memoir, Non-Fiction, W Authors • 22 Comments
Bad MotherAyelet Waldman
Doubleday, 2009
ISBN: 978-0385527934
224 pages
Genre: Non-Fiction Memoir, Parenting, Essays
My rating: 4 stars
Overview
For the All in the Family part of the Take Another Chance Challenge, I had to read two books by writers who were related to each other in some way. I chose Michael Chabon (the husband) and Ayelet Waldman (the wife). Today, I’m going to write about the wife’s book.
Subtitled “A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities and Occasional Moments of Grace,” Bad Mother is a warts-and-all look at Waldman’s experiences as a mother. (She has four children.) These types of books are like catnip to me. What mother doesn’t want to learn that she is not alone in her misgivings about her mothering skills?
Waldman writes openly and honestly about a wide variety of topics, including:
- pursuing a career versus staying at home (Waldman gave up a high-powered career as a lawyer to stay-at-home … only to find herself often bored out of her mind! HAHA! Don’t I know it!)
- balancing household chores and sex roles with your partner (Can we ever really break through the “this is woman’s work” and “this is men’s work”?)
- breast-feeding (more on this below)
- judging other mothers (more on this below)
- the mother-son relationship and how it affects the relationship with your mother-in-law (I still don’t quite measure up to how my husband’s mom used to take care of him … especially when he is sick.)
- dealing with your children’s homework (where do you draw the line?)
- projecting your own fears and hopes on your children (Waldman writes about her outrage and subsequent attempt to ban dodgeball in her children’s gym class … but her children loved it. She was fighting a fight from her own childhood.)
- dealing with daughters and sex issues (Waldman explores her own sexual history … and how she hopes her daughters don’t make the same choices she did.)
- having an abortion for a child who might be born with genetic defects (This chapter, entitled “Rocketship,” is easily the most heart-breaking and difficult to read.)
- arguing in front of your kids (They are listening … don’t fool yourself that they are not.)
- how honest to be with your kids (Just how do you handle the sex/drug talk if you want to be totally honest about your past but impart a “do as a I say, not as I did” message?)
- being a different mom for different kids (In other words, how she wasn’t the same mother she was for her first-born as for her last-born.)
- handing down a genetic legacy to your children that is less than perfect (Waldman writes about her own bipolar disorder and fear of passing it to her children.)
- parenting a child who might be gay (This felt like the least genuine chapter to me; it felt more like a political essay than a personal one.)
- baby lust (Those tiny baby feet will get you every time!)
- wanting to protect your children from the ugliness of the world (This is an issue that Mr. Jenners and I struggle with. There is a fine line between keeping your children safe and making them “street savvy” and scaring them into thinking the world is an unsafe, bad place.)
- managing your expectations/hopes/dreams for your children. (I struggle with this every day, and I imagine it is only going to get worse.)
As you can see, the book ranges over a wide variety of topics and delves into some deep and emotional issues. I admire Waldman’s honesty and directness. She really put herself out there with this book. I suspect that if you don’t share Waldman’s basic worldview (liberal), you might not care for much of what she has to say or appreciate where she is coming from in life. Yet I think most mothers would find some area of common ground with Waldman, and I think her message of “let’s all be gentler with ourselves and one another” is one we should all take to heart.
Structurally, the book is divided into 18 different chapters, with each one functioning as a stand-alone essay. Most of the essays are very personal and specific to Waldman’s life and background; yet I think she has a knack for making her personal experiences relatable.
This is one of those books where I could go on and on about the ideas and thoughts I had while reading it. But I’ll limit myself to discussing just two areas—judging other mothers and breast-feeding. These sections really don’t have much to do with the book review. Rather, I’m including it because this is the kind of book that incites you to have opinions and relate your own experiences as a woman and a mother. If this isn’t of interest to you, just skip on down to My Final Recommendation.
Thoughts On Judging Other Mothers
Waldman writes about how so many of us are quick to become the Bad Mother police—so eager and willing to slap the label of “Bad Mother” on others (or even ourselves). She talks about (in)famous “Bad Mothers” such as Britney Spears, Andrea Yates and Susan Smith. When we see these types of mothers, we think: “Well, at least I’m not that bad. I didn’t lose custody/drown my children/drive my children into a lake.” Waldman also writes about the characteristics of a Good Mother (including infinite patience, self-sacrifice and an “everything for my kids” attitude that is, quite frankly, impossible to achieve) and how a Good Father doesn’t have nearly as high an expectation put on him. She talks about how we flagellate ourselves and hold ourselves (and others) up to impossible standards. She asks: “Can’t we just try to give ourselves and each other a break?”
Lord knows I can relate to this! Ever since I became the Little One’s mother, I have harbored doubts about my own mothering instincts and skills. After all, I was a mother who had never changed a diaper until she had her own child. The first few weeks, it was literally “OK… I kept him alive another day.” Gradually, I began to relax and gain some confidence in myself. But I still doubt myself and berate myself for my “not-so-good” mothering moments. Reading this book was like finding another mother willing to admit her doubts and dark moments.
Too often, I think mothers tend to present a “my kids always sleep through the night and eat nutritious food and play independently and speak 4 foreign languages” facade to other mothers—leaving those of us who aren’t quite as together feeling even more inadequate than we are. And yet, at the same time, I also catch myself feeling smug when my child behaves better than another child at the playground or when I see older children walking around with pacifiers at the age of 5. The nastiness and comparisons that we make about ourselves and others is brutal! I wholeheartedly agree with Waldman: Let’s give each other and ourselves a break!
Thoughts On Breast-Feeding
Waldman writes extensively about her experiences and struggles with breast-feeding. Let me tell you, she went way above the call of duty (in my opinion) to breastfeed her children. I’ve personally found this to be one of those dividing issues among mothers. Quite frankly, some people are so gung-ho about breast-feeding that they can be very nasty and critical to those who either choose not to do it or cannot do it.
I had every intention of breast-feeding the Little One, but we had a ton of problems from the get go. Every feeding was a horror as I struggled to feed him. Each feeding felt like it took forever, and I was constantly trying new techniques and tools. As a team, we were awful. At six weeks, my husband was coming home every day to find me in tears and frustrated about how long it was taking to feed the baby. He finally ordered me to stop and start giving the Little One formula. I gave in but felt incredibly guilty—both at my immense relief and the fact that I didn’t tough it out longer. But it changed everything; feeding the baby now took 10 minutes instead of an hour. I was able to sleep a bit more. It turned everything around for us. But when I told the lactation consultant, I felt such a sense of judgment from her—almost as if I was choosing to hurt my child. I was so vulnerable at the time that it never occurred to me that perhaps this woman had her own agenda and that I didn’t need to take her criticism to heart. I know that since that experience, I go out of my way to encourage new mothers to be easy on themselves and consider formula if breast-feeding is difficult. I know I could have used a more understanding voice during that time. And, hey Ms. Judgemental Lactation Consultant, my Little One is turning out fine … even though he (gasp!) was fed formula!
My Final Recommendation
This is a thought-provoking and honest look at motherhood that will give readers lots to think about. Waldman doesn’t hold back anything, and I appreciated her candidness and openness. I’ve read a few books on motherhood, and I found this to be one of the most provocative. The writing is good (even if she does tend to meander a little bit), and she has a very conversational writing style. She is often funny and flippant, which balances out the more emotional moments. If this is a topic of interest to you, I would categorize it as a “must read.” However, Waldman’s views come from a more liberal, feminist angle so if this doesn’t mesh with your worldview, this book might not be the best choice for you. I’m giving it 4 stars.
The Whys and Wheres: Last year, I came across two reviews on the Book Lady’s Blog—one for this book and one for Michael Chabon’s Manhood for Amateurs. I decided I wanted to read both of them and then, lo and behold, one of the challenges I created featured this All in the Family angle. Coincidence or self-serving sneakiness on my part? I’ll never tell! I bought the book for my Kindle so no giveaway.
To find out what other bloggers are saying about the book discussed in this post, visit the Book Blogs Search Engine.
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Not a mom, but I was formula fed and I'm okay
"balancing household chores and sex roles with your partner"
I read this as someone else who struggles to balance being a mom and homemaker with being a wife and sex goddess! Haha! Obviously, something on the top of MY mind!
I think I've heard about this book recently elsewhere…very intriguing topics indeed!
great review of a very interesting
book.
i totally agree that the last thing
we mothers should do is judge
each other.
we should champion each other!
i'm practicing with my daughters
now, so i will be the best grandma
ever.
for instance, "wow, i never would
have thought of that!"
or "however do you come up with
all these incredible ideas?"
my husband and i sat next to
michael chabon at an awards
dinner, and he is dreamy but
very unpretentious.
bye!
I didn't realize Chabon's wife was an author… I felt like I'd read the book, going through your review.
I remember being quite, well, shunned because I didn't breastfeed. Nevermind that there was a veritable hurricane of genetic lactose intolerance in my husband's family and my kids only flourished on soy. I never used it as an explanation, just did explain to anyone. Wasn't sure why I had to. Sigh. I was probably someone's idea of "Bad Mother" in the 80's.
Enjoyed this post!
I blame all my issues in life to having not been breastfeed.
I remember how guilty I felt when I stopped nursing my oldest after four months. I stopped because I was on the verge of having PPD (started having a lot of symptoms). After I stopped nursing I got so much more sleep and started feeling like myself again. You can't underestimate the importance of a full night's sleep. I had felt very pressured by my doctor and lactation consultant to continue, but felt so much better afterward so I think it was the best choice for me.
We lived in a more rural area when I had my youngest and when the same symptoms of PPD started showing up after 6 weeks of nursing I stopped. When I told my ob/gyn she was very supportive and said that the first weeks of nursing were the most important. I think the two doctors (and communities) had vastly different philosophies.
On another note, I have an acquaintance who won't be friends with someone unless they subscribe to her views of attachment parenting and long-term nursing. Did you notice I said "acquaintance" and not "friend?"
I agree with Tami, we do the best we know how, and every family is different. What a boring world it would be if we raised our children all the same, and they turned out all the same. Love your child, and do your best, and DO give yourself a break. Oddly enough I have chosen this couple for my "it's all in the family challenge" not this book though. Great review. Thanks.
We are now 5 months from the last child leaving home (don't know whether to cry or jump for joy)and recently had an epiphany. I've been doing the parenting thing for 19 1/2 years now and, although we weren't perfect parents, by golly, we have given these kids a good life, everything they needed (if not everything they wanted)and they have grown into good people. So no more apologies for the things I could have done better. I'm just giving myself a pat on the back for a job well done. Don't spend the next 13+ years worrying about what you could have done differently.
Sounds like every mom should read this book, including me! We are WAY too hard on ourselves and each other as mothers. I've made a million mistakes with my son (I'm sure) and he has survived to almost 16! So I guess I'm not that bad of a mother!
Considering my oldest is 29 and my youngest is 20, I'm at the point in mothering when I look back and say "I did the best I could and what I thought was best at the time". Of course I can see things I probably should have done differently, but overall I think I did a pretty good job.
As for the two issues you addressed… I learned early on (the hard way) NOT to cast stones at other mothers, even unintentionally. It'll come back and bite you in the you know what.
Breastfeeding? Only one got the benefits for 3 weeks before I gave up. Looking back I wish I had worked a little harder at it, but hey… they've all grown up to be quite healthy.
Sounds like an interesting book for young mothers as long as they realize it isn't necessarily "gospel".
What a GREAT review. I have this on my kindle also and have read I think 4 chapters. I am really enjoying it but can't read it completely to the end without wanting a 'fun' read.
I have a 3 year old and as much as I love her dearly I truly think 'parenting is over-rated' I say that with a smile but the whole your life will never be the same is so amazing true.
Again, great review.
I agree: "Let's give ourselves and each other a break." For 13 or so years, I've heard too many moms brag about their kids reaching milestones for different things. I'm tired of feeling inadequate in my mothering ability. I just go with my mother's gut that everything will turn out fine. It's exhausting trying to be any other mother than the one you were meant to be.
Love your insight and review Jenners.
Not a mother myself but I've heard friends discuss many a parentng book and this one doesn't sound as if its one of the better ones in that it seems to be a bit 'hit and miss' if you see what I mean. I love your insight into some of the issues concerned though, thanks for sharing these.
I think this book would be the answer to my prayers! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder if I am ruining my children's lives, whether I am insisting that anything below an A is unacceptable, or accidentally letting the f-bomb fly out of my mouth. See, this is what girlfriends are for. It is our job as a BFF to reassure each other that we are all in the same boat! Love this review Jenners!
This does sound thought provoking. I've come to realize that MOST parents do the best they can when they raise their kids, and that no one is perfect, but most kids turn out just fine anyway. I wish I'd known not to sweat the small stuff when my son was young.
The mothers we compare ourselves to may appear differently inside their own homes.
I had a very smart boss who said that instead of "good" or "bad", there should be a "good enough" category for parenthood – and I think most of us spend our time in that area.
I'm gonna have to check my library for this one.
Thank you for, once again, providing me with a distraction from housework!
She covers a lot of tough stuff. And she's right – if there's discord and arguing between spouses, the kids DO know.
I really liked this book, and I also thought it would be great for a book club, with all the controversial subjects included.
The hubby and I are currently without child – that sounds so fancy doesn't it? – but I think I should read books like this well in advance of taking the baby plunge as I'm convinced I do not have what it takes to be a good mom because I am a liberal feminist. Perhaps this book will help.
I never read this one Jenners. I was not sure I would enjoy it, but I am looking forward to her upcoming book: Red Hook Road.