Reading My Childhood Diary: Part 3
by Jenners • 05/07/2010 • Confessions, Life • 30 Comments
Here are the links for the first part and second part of this series. Now on with the post.
When I last left you, I was up to some fairly standard stuff (writing bad poetry, fancying myself as an equal to Anne Frank, envisioning future invasions of New Jersey). But the diary took a strange turn on March 24, 1980.
It was on this date that I “experienced the greatest moment of my life” and “said yes to God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit.” In short, I apparently experienced some kind of spiritual epiphany that resulted in me signing my name followed by S.G.L.Y. (Smile! God Loves You!) and stamping little crosses on everything.
What is important to know is that I was attending a Catholic school at the time where I was undergoing heavy-duty indoctrination by the nuns. One of the big things was ensuring that “you don’t miss God’s call.” (In other words, you may have a “vocation” that will result in your dedicating your life to God by becoming a nun.) I remember being petrified that I was going to miss this call, and I came to believe that I actually had been called by God to be a nun. I was bound and determined to do right and be pure and get to heaven.
BUT
(and there is always a but, isn’t there?)
around the same time I also discovered that if you … ummmm … touch yourself “down there” or “rub” down there by … errr … “dry-humping” something like a pillow … it kind of felt good. The kind of good that can only be bad.
So what is a good little Catholic girl to do?
Well, if you are me (and I am, sadly), you will turn your diary into the following:
A real page from the diary!And some of you thought I was making this stuff up!!!!!
The Papers of Buckingham
Written in:
Buckingtin by:
Felecity
to
Prudence
Confidential
The Originals
Highly influenced by The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis, in which a Senior Devil instructs a Junior Devil in the art of temptation (and which I was reading at the time … WHO READS THIS KIND OF BOOK AT THIS AGE???!!!?), I began writing a series of “coded” (and I use this term very very very loosely as you shall see) letters from a Good Girl named Prudence trying to help a younger, easily tempted girl named Felecity (sic) in avoiding temptation by the Devil. (The bottom line is I was trying to keep my young self from masturbating as I was filled with fear that I was committing a Moral Sin that would result in Eternal Damnation. I no longer think that, but I cannot overemphasize enough how screwed up this thinking made me in terms of all matters sexual.)
Let’s read from the Confidential and Original Papers of Buckingham, shall we?
The Palace
August 0e 80
Dearest Prudence,
What is the meaning oe luv? The foed says it is worthless. While our Friend says it is right. Why am I made to fight and how can I win? Please write soon. The Battle is on.
Yours ever,
Princess Felicity
I sure hope you were able to crack the difficult code and read Buckingtin! And here is a handy, dandy glossary for you: Foed = the Devil, Friend = Jesus, Battle = Masturbation
My Nest
August 0e 80
My Dear Felicity,
Thee meaning oe luv is very simple. Luv is what you make it to be. Thee foed claims it to be useless yet how could he be alive unless by thee Luv of thee Lord? You say you have begun thee battle. You ask me how you can win. That I cannot tell you. Deep in your heart you know but you are afraid. be not afraid. Follow your heart.
Yours Ever,
Prudence
OK … is this not the most useless, nonsensical advice ever? Jeez, Prudence, toss the kid a bone. She’s struggling for her soul here!!! And what is the deal with “My Nest”? Is Prudence a bird?
The Palace
August 0e 80
Dearest Prudence,
I lost today in thee Battle oe thee foed and me. Please help. I shall try to listen to my Friend. HELP!
Yours ever,
Princess Felicity
Oh dear. Whatever shall the wise Prudence say to help out our Poor Princess Felicity?
My Nest
August 0e 80
My Dear Felecity,
You say that you lose against thee foed. You did not listen to your heart. You have failed. Did I not say to break thee record and put up signs? Then that is not enough. I must think oe something better. Till then, follow your heart.
Yours Ever,
Prudence
Uh … no, Prudence. You did not say ANYTHING about breaking records or putting up signs. No wonder Felecity floundered and lost the Battle to the Foed.
OK … that is all of this I can take. In reading this, I do kind of remember being under the evil influence of an actual record (the vehicle we used to listen to music on for all you young whippersnappers out there). It was a 45 by Rod Stewart (the Anti-Christ!!) called Da Ya Think I’m Sexy? and the cover of it looked like this:
I remember thinking this photo was SO DIRTY and BAD and SEXY (ack!!), and the song seemed so nasty and forbidden and I’m ashamed to say that I must have used it to “get myself in the mood” when I “fought the Battle.” OH MY GOD … I cannot believe I am writing this on the INTERNET! Talk about humiliating and …
Abruptly ending the post before any more embarrassing things can be typed,
P.S. When looking for a copy of the Rod Stewart record I remembered, I found this other photo of Rod Stewart that I think it definitively answers the questions “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy”?
The answer, Rod, is no.Ewwwww….look at his pubic hair poking out!
And again I say: Far out.
I can't think of anything to say because all I can do is laugh. And laugh. AND LAUGH. This was priceless!
My eyes!!!! How am I going to scrub that last image from my brain? How???
And yeah, way to go finishing up the post to make us forget all about…what was it you were talking about? 
You always make me laugh! I can't believe you still have your diaries or that you share them, lol. How embarrassing, even though we all went through it. And Rod, oh I always thought he was a dog, but I had a dream about him once, that I married him, lol. Yet still I think he's ugly.
I think that last picture of Rod may be the only thing that will stop my bit of breakfast binging right now
I used to love that song too. LOL.
Wow, great move distracting us there at the end with the pubes. Clever.
This post is deep. I wrinkled my forehead reading it. You were a creative problems solver as a child.
A post about Masturbation that features Rod Stewart. Finally, I can check reading this off my bucket list.
You always make me laugh.
OMG Jen! You crack me up! I went to the all mighty Catholic school as well and can remember them telling me to listen for that calling as well…I ran…like the wind! =)
And jeeze Rod?? I think I barfed a little in my mouth!
You know what this reminds me of…that seinfeld episode of "Are you master of your domain?" HAHA Classic!
Do you remember how you came up with the code name Foed?
Oh, my gosh…you poor thing. And the part about putting up signs? And you're like "nuh uh, what signs, Foed?"
Funny. Sorry about your pain. But funny.
Thanks to that picture of Rod Stewart in his tankini, I will never lose a battle to the Foed ever again.
How did u decide those names? I need the backstory, lol. I love your diaries.
In 1980 I was 10 and listening to this song quite a bit. However not enough to discover the joys of self-love. (That sounds like a cheesy book from the 70's or 80's, doesn't it?)
Jenners, I wish I had known you as a kid. We could have been overly verbal geeks together. (But I always thought Rod Stewart was gross. Sorry.)
Jenners, I'm blushing reading your childhood diary! You crack me up, though!
I've always had a thing for Will Riker from Star Trek: The Next Generation. So lame but it's been with me 20+ years now. We all are attracted to different things – whatever works, right?
You are the best!! I am so sad that you don't live next door. I'd be your boon companion and we'd be laughing too much to get anything done. You did the nuns proud with this post. Talk about humility!! And that Hot Rod photo was so ick I had to get some Murine for my eyes. Thanks… and have a lovely weekend.
That last picture: eueueueueueueu!
ARGH! My eyes, my eyes…I never needed to see that view of Rod Stewart…
I hope Felicity eventually told Prudence where she could go!
I'm convinced it's THAT picture that prompted the Divinyls to sing "I Touch Myself".
Now, that's one scary song.
It still boggles my mind that women thought Rod Stewart was sexy- a big EWWWW!
Did you ever see Bob and Ray sing "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?" It was one of my all-time favorite SNL moments ever, and I'm sure it would have helped you win the battle to become the Mistress of Your Domain.
Ah, fighting the good battle!
And thanks for that last photo… did you have to make it pubic, er…, public?
Once again you have rendered me speechless b/c of laughter.
Seriously!
I agree with the last commenter! I was really concentrating on the young masturbation and trying to figure how many years I had before this was an "issue" with my child and then the last picture just wiped all that from my mind! You had us totally gong in one direction and then BOOM! – with that last picture, it's all you can think of now. And the hair is MUCH worse than the stripes!
Way to make us forget the whole post was about masturbation with that last photo there. haha
I am gasping for air after viewing that horrifying image. I am not sure, however, which is worse – the short and curlies or the green and orange stripes….
You are hilarious! And I love that you shared this from your diary
That last photo will forever haunt me when I see Rod Stewart now!
omg, too funny!!!! Kudos to you for actually posting this stuff. Its hilarious and normal at that age, but we're all made to feel bad about it.
LMAO!! tooo funny… and ewww at the picture!
You are hilarious. And multi-talented. Speaking in "Buckingtin"? I didn't even know that was a country. I am not sure that I could understand their crazy talk words.
And Rod Stewart was the king of ewwwwwww. He most certainly was the foed incarnate!
You crack me up!
Enjoy the day!
Erin
I really could have gone without that last picture, lol!
Dirty Dancing, the movie, I thought was so bad, so dirty, so wrong! I watched it with my friend on a sleepover. I was so afraid to tell my mom! Such a bad bad movie. *wink*wink* But I think it got me to thinking….