When I last left you, I was up to some fairly standard stuff (writing bad poetry, fancying myself as an equal to Anne Frank, envisioning future invasions of New Jersey). But the diary took a strange turn on March 24, 1980.
It was on this date that I “experienced the greatest moment of my life” and “said yes to God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit.” In short, I apparently experienced some kind of spiritual epiphany that resulted in me signing my name followed by S.G.L.Y. (Smile! God Loves You!) and stamping little crosses on everything.
What is important to know is that I was attending a Catholic school at the time where I was undergoing heavy-duty indoctrination by the nuns. One of the big things was ensuring that “you don’t miss God’s call.” (In other words, you may have a “vocation” that will result in your dedicating your life to God by becoming a nun.) I remember being petrified that I was going to miss this call, and I came to believe that I actually had been called by God to be a nun. I was bound and determined to do right and be pure and get to heaven.
(and there is always a but, isn’t there?)
around the same time I also discovered that if you … ummmm … touch yourself “down there” or “rub” down there by … errr … “dry-humping” something like a pillow … it kind of felt good. The kind of good that can only be bad.
So what is a good little Catholic girl to do?
Well, if you are me (and I am, sadly), you will turn your diary into the following:
The Papers of Buckingham
Highly influenced by The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis, in which a Senior Devil instructs a Junior Devil in the art of temptation (and which I was reading at the time … WHO READS THIS KIND OF BOOK AT THIS AGE???!!!?), I began writing a series of “coded” (and I use this term very very very loosely as you shall see) letters from a Good Girl named Prudence trying to help a younger, easily tempted girl named Felecity (sic) in avoiding temptation by the Devil. (The bottom line is I was trying to keep my young self from masturbating as I was filled with fear that I was committing a Moral Sin that would result in Eternal Damnation. I no longer think that, but I cannot overemphasize enough how screwed up this thinking made me in terms of all matters sexual.)
Let’s read from the Confidential and Original Papers of Buckingham, shall we?
August 0e 80
What is the meaning oe luv? The foed says it is worthless. While our Friend says it is right. Why am I made to fight and how can I win? Please write soon. The Battle is on.
I sure hope you were able to crack the difficult code and read Buckingtin! And here is a handy, dandy glossary for you: Foed = the Devil, Friend = Jesus, Battle = Masturbation
August 0e 80
My Dear Felicity,
Thee meaning oe luv is very simple. Luv is what you make it to be. Thee foed claims it to be useless yet how could he be alive unless by thee Luv of thee Lord? You say you have begun thee battle. You ask me how you can win. That I cannot tell you. Deep in your heart you know but you are afraid. be not afraid. Follow your heart.
OK … is this not the most useless, nonsensical advice ever? Jeez, Prudence, toss the kid a bone. She’s struggling for her soul here!!! And what is the deal with “My Nest”? Is Prudence a bird?
August 0e 80
I lost today in thee Battle oe thee foed and me. Please help. I shall try to listen to my Friend. HELP!
Oh dear. Whatever shall the wise Prudence say to help out our Poor Princess Felicity?
August 0e 80
My Dear Felecity,
You say that you lose against thee foed. You did not listen to your heart. You have failed. Did I not say to break thee record and put up signs? Then that is not enough. I must think oe something better. Till then, follow your heart.
Uh … no, Prudence. You did not say ANYTHING about breaking records or putting up signs. No wonder Felecity floundered and lost the Battle to the Foed.
OK … that is all of this I can take. In reading this, I do kind of remember being under the evil influence of an actual record (the vehicle we used to listen to music on for all you young whippersnappers out there). It was a 45 by Rod Stewart (the Anti-Christ!!) called Da Ya Think I’m Sexy? and the cover of it looked like this:
I remember thinking this photo was SO DIRTY and BAD and SEXY (ack!!), and the song seemed so nasty and forbidden and I’m ashamed to say that I must have used it to “get myself in the mood” when I “fought the Battle.” OH MY GOD … I cannot believe I am writing this on the INTERNET! Talk about humiliating and …
Abruptly ending the post before any more embarrassing things can be typed,
P.S. When looking for a copy of the Rod Stewart record I remembered, I found this other photo of Rod Stewart that I think it definitively answers the questions “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy”?