Signs of Apocalypse and Other Ramblings
by Jenners • 05/03/2010 • BB/The Little One, My Take On... • 34 Comments
I don’t want to scare you or anything, but I believe I’ve seen the first sign of the Apocalypse. In Book 5, Chapter 12 of Revealations, it clearly states:
And lo, the first sign of the Coming Doom shalt be a thick coating of yellow sneeze powder — not more than 1/8th of a cubit thick — uponeth the furniture of the outdoors. The powder shalt be inhaled by the nostrils of the wicked and they shalt sneezeth and rubbeth thine eyes and shalt be miserable all the live long day. Yet the bees shall rejoiceth at the Coming of the Pollen and maketh beautiful flowers for Jesus.
Based on high miserableness factor I’ve been experiencing lately, I’m one of the wicked (you can’t just go around writing fake Bible verses and expect to get away with it). But with the Coming of Claritin-D, I’ve experienced a modicum of relief. But keep your eyes open; the second sign of the apocalypse is a return of harem pants.
Harem Pants: The Second Sign of the ApocalypseI mean seriously, can ANYONE look good in these?
Remember last week how the Little One got drunk with power when he was the VIP in his kindergarten class? Well, it turns out the whole VIP system is a hotbed of corruption, lies and bribery. Some kids were lobbying so hard for the Little One to pick them last week that they gave him bribes, which included: a quarter, two Star Wars action figures (used), a hand-drawn piece of currently for 1001 dollars, and a love note. (The kids who gave the quarter and the action figures got picked.)
And as for Bailey, the little girl who never gets picked? Well, her status as being unpicked continues. The Little One never came through for her. What an ass! (Yes … I just called my child an ass in an effort to get a cheap laugh. What can I say … I’m a terrible mother!)
I have a new favorite time of day: the moment before the Little One goes to sleep. And it isn’t just because that means there is blessed quiet in the house for the first time ALL FREAKING DAY and I shall soon get to do WHAT I WANT TO DO. No, it is now my new favorite time of day because the Little One has started praying to God each night, and these prayers are downright hilarious.
It all started last week when we were reading a library book that ended up being about good and bad behavior. It had a pretty heavy God factor in it, but the Little One is always asking me questions about God and other things I can’t really explain well (such as “Exactly how many people have died for all time?”) so I thought “Well, it can’t hurt. Let’s read it.” One page was on praying, and the Little One got so excited about the idea of him talking to God that he decided he wanted to pray every night.
So now, each night before he lays down, he sits up with his hands in classic prayer position (like the kids in the book), closes his eyes and talks to God. The prayers are so funny, and they crack Mr. Jenners and me up every night. It is all I can do not to bust out laughing at this most sacred of times. The first night’s prayer went something like this:
Dear God. Hi. I love you. But I don’t know what you look like or where you live. I would like to know that someday. OK. Bye.
The next night, Mr. Jenners and the Little One had a disagreement about how you label the floors of buildings. The Little One kept insisting that the top floor of a building is the first floor and you count down. (In such a case, the basement of a three-story house would be the third floor and the third story would be the first floor.) Mr. Jenners (never one to give in easily when he knows he is right — even to a small child) vehemently argued the other side. So, that night, when the Little One said his prayers, he took his issue straight to the Big Guy:
Dear God. Hi. Isn’t the top floor of a building the first floor? I think so but Daddy says no. But I think I’m right. OK. Thanks. Bye.
We’re still waiting on a ruling on that one. Perhaps labels will fall down from the sky and attach themselves to a building so we can all see exactly how God wants floors labeled. I’ll keep you updated.
“Don’t mind her. She has a bad case of the skittles and she needs to get to a bathroom fast.”
I’m going to lobby the Oxford American Dictionary to get this term used as such. It is just too perfect, don’t you think?
Do you have the skittles after eating too many Skittles?C’mon and poop a fast-moving rainbow!
About to be sued by the makers of Skittles for tarnishing their good name by possibly influencing up to 20 people to associate their candy with diarrhea,
Lol! This post is awesome! You will have to let us all know when the lawsuit comes in.
His prayers are so sweet and so funny. I love the pure faith of kids.
And those pant are horrific! But hey I bet I could wear them as maternity pants
LOL. You always make me laugh! We've been having a plethora of sneeze powder around here too and Claritin is my savior, lol.
Are you kidding me with those flipping pants?! They're horrendous! Totally cracked me up.
Oh my goodness….I will never look at another skittle the same way!
I think I can't look at skittles the same way again
So harem pants are back? When I think of those red leopard ones that I owned in 1988, I was a sight.
I love how Little One thinks and thinks and thinks. He could probably beat me in a debate. He has the mind of a debater
Okay, those pants are officially worse than shirt-belts. What. the. hell.
Skittles.
/snort!
OMG the prayers are killing me! I absolutely LOVE the minds of children!
Oh and those pants…umm yeah NOPE, that is all I have to say about that!
Hilarious – as usual! Skittles should pay you for associating their stuff with a good laugh as well as poop…
Pollen season is starting up here too… help, says she running away and screaming…
Awesome prayers. My daughter prayed once for God to allow her to not wear her white sweater to school because she was already too hot. I think this one might have been directed at Mommy.
Further signs of the apocalypse:
1. The Mets are in first place.
2. This afternoon I was at Bed Bath and Beyond and I asked an employee to help me find something. He ACTUALLY KNEW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT AND HE FOUND THE ITEM FOR ME. I was in awe.
This post gave me the skittles. My son asked me last week how bad it hurts to die. Thankfully my 8 year old jumped in and said "It doesn't hurt, stupid. Even if you get sliced by a lightsaber….you just wake up in a castle of gold."
I was happy she took that one for me.
I totally laughed when you called him an as*!
OMG,and here I thought I was the only one who had tummy troubles after eating skittles!
Great post, I was laughing my butt off. No, you're not a terrible mother for calling your kid an ass for a cheap laugh. And I love the prayers, too cute!
HaHaHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHa!!!!
Oh my word, harem pants are clearly a sign of the apocalypse. They are just shameful!
And, I don't think I'll ever be able to look at Skittles in the same way ever again…
I love how complicated the life of the Little One has become. And I love that the prayers end in "OK. Bye."
And…were harem pants ever an actual trend?
His prayers are so sweet.
And those pants… AHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHH!
I am not usually amused by talk of poo but… lol
the prayers are cute/funny.
and wow, kids these days… bribery!
and those pants?? nooooooo (recently I discovered that wearing leggings under shorts are coming back…. *sigh*)
Thank you so much for making me laugh. I was giggling all the way through your post. Whew! I needed that. LOVE the little guy's prayers. So funny.
NO!!! My little guy loves skittles. They are my leveraging tool.
They cannot be tarnished this way, as cute as the term is!
you have tread on some pretty thin ice
today. making up bible verses and
besmirching skittles . . .
it's a good thing someone in your house
is praying.
Harem Pants are of the Devil and that's a fact. I love the Little One's prayers. I would be cracking up too.
Harem pants? Why, oh why, couldn't they leave that one alone?
Submit Skittlelicious to Urban Dictionary and see how long it takes to catch on…
I linked back to you…re; the skittles…LMAO
1. I think Barbara Eden could still pull off harem pants.
2. Those kids at school bribing your son are probably going to grow up to be Congressmen.
3. Skittles isn't bad but it can't replace my all time favorite: the green apple two step
haaaa..thats a great name for when you have to go..I would like to borrow that ..If I may..Im writing a post about poop today…I may get in big trouble…and PS ..I used to wear those genie pants…yes I did..!
Sorry for the two comments per post – anyway- harem pants? Weren't they the kiss of death to M.C. Hammer's career?
ROFLMAO! Skittles are the favorite of my ex son-inlaw. I always knew he was a sh*t head but now I can see why he likes skittles. Never associated the two before your enlightening post.
At least your son doesn't waste a lot of God's time by prattling on and on. Okay, thanks, bye! I loved it!
We do the "open mike" prayers here and you're right, they are LOL-inducing.
I love the politics of kindergarten. It's brutal in there.
Awwww man; I just knew that he was going to come through for the un-picked one.
The Harem pants are definitely a sign of the Apocalypse, and no, no one ever looked good in them…although I tried, back in the day.
Little One is going to be very confused when he tries out his theory in an elevator. I would love to be a fly on that wall.
I will chip in for the legal defense fund if it ever comes to that.
My kids go to a Catholic school and pray all throughout the day. I think that is why they never did the traditional on the knees hands folded sort of bedtime prayer. That, or I am a terrible mom.
You always make me smile
Enjoy the day! Erin
TLO talking to God reminds me of my favorite part of the book Under the Banner of Heaven (great book if you haven't read it. True story about a guy who thinks God tells him to kill his sister-in-law and her baby.) Anyway, God apparently talks to this guy via the computer. And he ends his messages with "That's all for now. God." Sort of like God as Bugs Bunny!
As for the harem pants thing, all I can say is, WHO WANTS TO JOIN ME TO BRING BACK MUU MUUS?!!!!!
I hate that I played along and gave you your cheap laugh when you called the little one an ass!
The prayers are killin' me! Ok thanks. Bye.
I've had more than my share of Skittles. Both kinds.