Summertime Meme: Why Do We Lose Our Sense of Possibility?
by Jenners • 06/11/2010 • BB/The Little One, Lessons Learned • 25 Comments
Molly over at My Cozy Book Nook as a new Summertime Meme based on the book Life Is A Verb by Patti Digh. Each week of the summer, Molly is sharing a passage from the book that got her thinking. Anyone who chooses can participate by writing their thoughts about the passage she shares. The first excerpt she shared was this:
I once read of a man who went into a kindergarten class and asked how many of the kids could sing – every hand shot up immediately. How many could dance? Same response. How many could paint? Again, all hands shot up eagerly. He then went into a college classroom and asked the same questions. Did he get the same response? No. No hands went up. What happens in those years between five and eighteen to our sense of joy and possibility and personal command of the universe? We learn to mask ourselves…..Don’t say you can paint, because someone else might paint better than you do and people will judge. Don’t say you can sing, because you’re no Johnny Cash. Don’t say you can write if you’re not on the New York Times best-seller list. (page 39-40 of the Intensity section)
DISCLAIMER: This is a long post … and it isn’t very funny. Rather, it is some thoughts from a mother who has some concerns about raising her son to be a confident person while still fitting in. If this topic interests you, please feel free to read and share your thoughts with me. I’m very curious to hear what others think of these issues. However, I won’t be offended if you want to skip the post!
As a parent of young child, I’ve seen the boundless self-confidence my son has. He truly believes he is the fastest runner in the world. He sings loudly and boldly. He struts around the house naked without shame (yet oddly will not pee outside). He dances with a complete abandon that fills me with joy (and the giggles). When we are drawing together, he sees an entire fantastical story laid out before him. His belief in the possibilities of life are endless.
Yet I’m starting to see the cracks appear.
When playing soccer this spring, he never got a goal while his best friend scored goal after goal after goal. When he began dragging his feet when it came time for soccer games, I asked him what was wrong. He confessed that he was upset that he wasn’t scoring any goals. We talked about how a soccer team requires all sorts of players … some who score goals, some who help score goals, and some who prevent goals. We talked about how he often trailed along behind the action. We told him that if he wanted a chance at scoring a goal, he would have to put himself in the action and get to the ball. He seemed to understand and started to get more involved with the games, but I could see that some of the joy had diminished for him. (In case you are wondering, this had nothing to do with the coach. I adore his coach, who is interested in nothing but all the kids getting a chance to play and have fun.)
What happened was, for the first time, my son was in a position to compare himself to his peers–and he was seeing that, in this particular instance, he wasn’t as good as some other kids. His best friend has a natural talent for soccer. He moves the ball well and has a dogged determination once he gets the ball. He is also fearless; he doesn’t hesitate to put himself into the action. While this often results in falls, bruises and a bloody lip, it also results in goals. My son, on the other hand, is more cautious and tends to overthink things. He hesitates and thinks and positions himself … and by that time the ball is long gone.
Seeing him experience this pained me. It was hard to see him measure himself against a friend and come up short. But, at the same time, this is a lesson we all have to learn at some point. We’re NOT good at everything. The key is to find out what you are good at and develop those gifts AND to make peace with your own abilities but to not let them keep you from enjoying something.
For example, I enjoy singing, but I realize I don’t have a great singing voice. I’m certainly not a Johnny Cash (or even Tom Waits … say what you want about his voice, the man knows how to work with what he has). If I was in a classroom where people were asked who could sing, I would not raise my hand. But does this stop me from singing? No! I just don’t do it in public. I sing in the shower, I sing when I’m scrubbing the toilets, I sing when I’m driving in the car. What I don’t do is delude myself that I need to share my singing with the rest of the world. Say what you want about the dangers of masking yourself, but when I see clips of the audition weeks from American Idol, I feel sorry for those people. They are raising their hands and saying “I can sing!” … and yet they can’t. And God bless them for putting themselves out there on national TV, but I think they are not doing themselves a favor because the point of showing those clips is to mock those people, to laugh at them. Some are so painful to watch I have to turn away.
Which brings me to my conundrum as a parent. How do I nurture my child and encourage his belief in his own possibilities without misleading him about his strengths and weaknesses? How do I console him when he realizes he isn’t the best at something … but without crushing his desire to pursue it even if he won’t excel at it? How do I prepare him for the school years that are coming where he will be judged, graded and have to try out for things? (Let’s not fool ourselves … as you advance in school, everyone doesn’t get to play the sports or act in the plays or sing in the choir or make the honor society.)
I think back to my own childhood. I was always a bit of an off-beat kid who didn’t always dress “right” (pantyhose and clogs, anyone?) or look “right” or do things in the “normal” way. But I never felt too bad about it. I didn’t hesitate to be different from others. In fact, it was almost a point of pride with me. I was the girl who gave a speech on raw fish … and kept the fish in my school locker all day. I was the girl who dressed up as Janis Joplin for a book report … which included lip-syncing to “Get It While You Can” while swigging from a bottle of Southern Comfort (filled with iced tea, of course) while wearing one of my mom’s old wigs and 1960s dresses. I marched to the beat of my own drummer, and despite incredibly awkward years, I came through with my confidence and self-esteem intact. Even during my darkest years in college –when I doubted myself and wondered about my own lovableness–I always retained some semblance of “I’m a worthwhile and capable person.” (Never underestimate the power of academic success to bolster the negative feelings caused by repeated romantic failures.)
It never crushed me that I couldn’t do everything wonderfully and perfectly. I’d just move on to something else, honed the things I was good at, and practiced the things I wasn’t good at (albeit privately) if they give me joy. I was happy with myself. I like to think I’m not deluded or vain but confident. I think I’m a worthwhile person, and I’m willing to try things and look like a fool if I think I’ll have some fun. I credit my parents with instilling this sense of self-worth, which is probably the most precious gift a parent can bestow on a child. (Now don’t get me wrong … I’m not saying I didn’t have moments of self-doubt and crises of confidence because I did. But I never truly wavered in my own ability to pull things off … except maybe in chemistry class).
And if I do nothing else as a parent, I want to instill this same sense of confidence in my son. I want him to try new things, to not be afraid to make a fool of himself, and to develop his gifts. But I realize that the world isn’t always the wonderful happy place I’ve tried to make it for him so far. Recently, he has been having troubles with a little girl on his bus. She has been making fun of him and calling him a crybaby. He’s gotten of the school bus several times in tears. (Thereby proving her point, as Mr. Jenners pointed out.) We’ve been talking to him about how to deal with this. Our advice was to ignore her so she didn’t get what she wanted (which is for him to be upset). Another was to throw her off track by saying brightly “Thank you. I appreciate your feedback.” We explained that sometimes people who said mean things were trying to get a person upset. My son was SHOCKED that people might do this. It is hard for him to comprehend that everyone in the world isn’t going to be his friend or like him.
As much as I want to cushion him from this, I know it isn’t the right reaction. Not everyone will like you. People will laugh at you. People will make fun of you if you fail. People will ostracize those who “don’t fit in.” I think we all remember our school days when we were first exposed to the cruelty that exists in the schoolyard. I remember my very first day on the school bus for high school. Some older boys decided to pick on me and another girl. The entire bus ride, they hung over us and said nasty things to us: how ugly we were, how stupid we were, how much we smelled. My response was to remain absolutely quiet, stare straight ahead, and give them no reaction. The other girl cried. Guess who they left alone and who they continued to torture of the remainder of the school year? (If you didn’t guess, my reaction saved me from further torture … I didn’t give them what they wanted.)
During that horrible horrible bus ride, I instinctively knew how to protect myself. I put on my armor. I didn’t internalize their taunts and nastiness. I thought they were the ones with the problems. The reason I could do this was my innate belief in myself. I knew I was better than that. They couldn’t break me.
As my son enters the cutthroat world of the schoolyard, I want to give him the armor he needs to survive. But I also want him to thrive and not be afraid to let his freak flag fly. I want him to learn when to raise his hand and sing out loud and when to save his singing for in front of the mirror with his hairbrush. I want him to paint a picture without needing it to be awarded a blue ribbon. But, at some level, I want him to always feel that he is the fastest kid in the world … but I also want him to keep that knowledge to himself and realize it probably isn’t true.
I feel like I’m contradicting myself here, and there is where I struggle. How can I teach my son to “blend in” to avoid needless pain and torture while also teaching him to march to his own drummer? I think we do need to wear a mask to protect ourselves from the cruelty that exists in the world … but under that mask, I want him to be smiling and singing at the top of his lungs.
Trying not to keep my light and my son’s light under a bushel,
So much of it has to do with personality. Try not to stress about it too much, Jenners. But I say that and just the other day I cried with my 16 y/o son whose girlfriend broke up with him.
Having a child is like wearing your heart on the outside of your chest.
By the way, I just read that book Life is a Verb and it is WONDERFUL!!!
Your post really brought back some rather harsh memories. I didn't always survive with my self esteem in tact.
To this day I never feel like I fit in. I always feel underdressed or overdressed or too smart or not smart enough.
I worry so much about my son. He's pretty smart and does really well at the things he does well at. But when he's a bit challenged he kind of gives up. I'm working on making understand that he will need to work on things, try harder at other things. And he's very spirited, and sensitive yet kind of clueless at getting along with other kids. He's good hearted but lacks some social graces.
Crap, I'm so worried about him and he's only 7, just finishing first grade.
This is kind of a rambling and disjointed comment, but suffice to say its brought up a lot of feelings. And worries.
The thing I want most in this world is for my kids to be happy. To love themselves. And some days I don't think I'm contributing to that. But the next day I'll try again.
I worry about my kids as they climb on the bus everyday. Kids can be so callous and cruel. My oldest son gets grief because he won't pick on other kids. I'm so glad that he speaks up for the underdog. But I do feel for him because he can feel lonely on the bus ride. Apparently, he's not "cool" because he won't become a bully.
Kids do compare themselves to other kids. Sports are becoming way too competitive. My second son is in 4th grade and I can see how the ugliness in sports starts to fester. Kids, parents, coaches seem to jump on the blame/evaluation bandwagon when a game is lost.
You know sometimes I just want to live on Gilligan's Island with my kids. I know that sounds goofy, but I wish childhood was less intense.
This is indeed very sad. One of the most important things we can do as parents is reinforce our children's sense of confidence and emphasize that each child is unique and should only compare themselves with themselves – i.e. we need to help them see the progress they make in relation to themselves. Comparing kids with each other is all too negative.. in my opinion, anyway.
It is a struggle and I'm happy that you're struggling.
You care, you're a good mom and you want to raise your son as best you can. This is all good. You will evaluate and reevaluate as the years fly by and at some points you may realize that oops you maybe shoulda done choice b way back when instead of choice a and there's nothing you can do about that. I still wonder if I should have made different choices at different points but I have good kids. :0)
I once knew a woman who encouraged her 6 year old girl to try out for cheerleading. It was a sad thing in my mind, this particular 6 year old wore women's size 12 clothes. Not a good thing to encourage if you ask me. I think it was setting her up for heartbreak.
The good news is that you don't have to get it right at this very moment. You'll have time to grow with your Little One. You'll be a pro by the time he has his own little ones.
But if you happen to uncover the magic secret to this, please post it as soon as possible.
That was excellent, Jenners. Keep up the good work with that kid–you are definitely filling him with confidence.
I always let my kids do their own thing. When people were hateful to them, I'd tell them that those people were sad about something in their life and to try to be nice no matter how mean they were. If that didn't work, just ignore them. I like to think that I have stable, well balanced young adults now. At least that's how they appear to me
My kids have had similar problems – right down to the little girl picking on my youngest on the bus. (What's wrong with these little witches, btw?)
It's been hardest on my oldest son as the youngest has another little buddy in his class who is very similar to him. We tell him to do the things he enjoys and just be himself.
I don't know how to make it easier on them. When you figure it out, let me know!
WOW! You really summed up one of the conundrums of parenthood and I share your same worries…fostering their self-esteem, interested etc while still keeping a realistic idea of what they really can do! It's so hard and I don't have any advice, but I do share the same worries.
Thanks for commenting at Single Mom in the South.
This post was a real thinker.
Your son sounds alot like my older son. He has been in hockey, baseball, soccer….and never enjoyed any of them. He preferred to stand back rather than try and fail.
You have to look at what your boy really enjoys and is excited about. Then go with it……
Maybe he isnt into team sports, but prefers drawing. Get him involved in a drawing class or anything where he can flourish and develop his self confidence while doing something he loves….
Thats my two cents
But what do I know. My kids run around the house naked….and pee outside.
I knew your post would be great, but I'm trying very hard not to compare myself to you
I was very anxious to read the comments. I think that your sense of confidence – and transparency – will be priceless in raising the Little One. He will instinctly learn how to handle the world effectively by watching the examples of his parents. This does not mean he will never have doubts, or difficult days, but it does mean that he will learn that it is not the end of the world when these inevitable challenges come into his life.
The Little One is a very lucky little guy
I know what you mean! We went through the same thing with soccer with Kate. She played both in the fall and this spring, but halfway through this spring she started saying she couldn't run as fast as the other kids, etc. At her age, it is a co-ed team, and she's exceptionally short to begin with (5th percentile for height). We decided to give soccer a break for next year and put her in gymnastics.
She's also very sensitive, and her being in preschool this past year was the first time she had to deal with mean remarks from 1 little boy in particular. It's hard, but something we're dealing with step by step.
I don't have any advice because I'm right there with you trying to figure this out. My little one is VERY different and probably always will be. I want him to learn to avoid bullies and taunters but I know that he's going to be a target. So, we are working on finding his strengths (which most likely won't be group sports!) but I'm very worried about how things will turn out (he's also a cryer).
This was really well-written and thought provoking, Jenners. Based on the things you've told the Little One so far, I think he's going to be just fine.
Encouraging him to 1) work hard and 2) enjoy himself are two of the most important things you can teach him, you know? Not everyone can be great at everything, and no one's the best at anything either. I totally suck at painting, but I know I'll never get any better if I don't practice, and because it's something I enjoy, trying turns out to be the fun part even if it just ends up in the trash. Sports, on the other hand… well, I suck at those too, but they are NOT something I enjoy so that's totally okay with me, haha. The more confidence your son has to just TRY new things, the better his chances of finding tons of talents he can truly be passionate about.
The good news is that the Little One is most likely going to grow up to become a dictator, and last I heard you don't have to be good at soccer to rule the world.
I swear I think my oldest son and your son are two peas in a pod.. everything you say about him always sounds so much like my son. I too worry about how to help them fit in, be accepted but not crush his spirit in the process. It is so hard.. it is so scary, at times I just want to shelter and protect him but I cannot.
I think what your parents did for you, letting you know who you truly are and that they loved you no matter what.. that is all we can do. We can try and help guide them to things that are more socially acceptable (like just give a quick hug and don't tackle the person in our case) but mostly if we love them for who they are, well then they will love themselves for who they are.. at least most of the time.. I hope…
Great post. I wish I knew the magical answer, but yeah I am on this battle right with you.
Since The Little One is the only child at home, he has not developed that tough outer skin kids get from teasing from siblings…so it may take him a while to learn how to turn a deaf ear to the mean kids (and learn that THEY don't know everything, either).
Maybe soccer isn't his sport – maybe he'd be great at baseball, or maybe an individual sport. There are enough activities coming up in his life so he'll get to try a lot of things, and figure out just what he IS good at, and what he likes best, even if he isn't that great at it.
My older daughter loved softball, and was perfectly happy to pick dandelions out in right field; the younger one was very competitive and played the infield and played hard.
They both played for many years, and enjoyed the level of success they achieved.
One activity that fosters self-esteem is scouts. Even The Boy gave that a try (and it lasted longer than tee ball or bicyclyes). My daughters loved scouting, too. One of the things I liked best about it is that they could focus on completing the activities they liked best, and earned their badge to show the accomplishment.
I'm sure you, Mr. Jenners and The Little One will figure out what is best to help him navigate in the world – and how to identify the nice kids from those who have been raised by wolves.
What an interesting topic and a wonderfully written, thought provoking post.
My daughter has always been very cautious, she was born that way, quite literally. She thinks through everything and will not try something until she believes she knows how to do it from start to finish. So I already worry about how she will fare in school and the great wide world beyond. However, she is also, once she is comfortable with people, extremely sociable and empathetic and therefore well liked.
I think the best things we can teach our children are that a) not everyone in the world that we meet will like us, because we are all different, because some people fear as opposed to welcome different b) be comfortable in your own skin – know who you are and don't be afraid to admit who and what you are c) believe in yourself, having a good sense of self worth is critical and d) do the things you do because you enjoy them, not because you are the best at them
It sounds as if your parents did a great job if instilling self-worth and confidence in you so that you could be yourself, so if you can do the same with your son you will be giving him a wonderful start in life – which is not what every child gets and why some children pick on others. Wanting to hurt someone else is always a sign of weakness in a person, real or perceived. Tell you son that too, next time that little girl calls him a cry baby and tell him to tell her it takes one to know one.
This was a wonderful and thought provoking post. Oldest had trouble last year with some 4th grade bitches who fed her a dog biscut. After meeting their mothers I realized that our children react how we react. Our children treat others the way we treat others.
Keep shining your light and your son will want to shine his.
It's def. a fine line we walk as parents. Challenging is an understatement.
Growing up, our family was loving but also teased. We played & joked. It was all in fun, but it also served a purpose. When I was ever teased at school, it just rolled off my back. Granted, it wasn't the same nature as what I received at home but it never affected me.
My oldest son wears glasses (like his mom). I jokingly refer to him as 4 eyes. I do it with all the love in my heart b/c I'm also rocking a pair of lenses on my face. I started it in hopes that if some mean kid said something at school, he would let it roll off without a care in the world.
If you think the world of elementary school yard is challenging, just wait until they're entering middle school. It's a new world & one I wonder if I've prepared my boys for every day I send them there.
Our sons sound a lot alike. Ace is a tad offbeat and I have to encourage his uniqueness and yet also want him to fit in, too. It's a delicate balance.
Wow, that is a really good question. I know I've always felt pretty confident as well. I pursue the things I'm good at and if I'm not that great then I just let it go. I don't really know if this is an innate ability or something I was taught.
My daughter likes to do pageants (yes, for real, I promise I'm not one of those mothers). She has only been in two. After her second one (that she lost) she came off the stage and congratulated all the winners. I expected her to be disappointed, but she wasn't in the least. As we were walking to the car she wanted to know when she could do another one. I asked her why she wanted to do it and she told me that she "wanted to win." I said, "well Baby you can do 100 and not win." She responded, "well then I'll just keep doing them until I do." Again, I don't know if this is something I've taught her or just something that is just a part of her.
Pretty sure I didn't help you answer your question, but I ask myself the same thing all the time.
Your post brought back memories of my own growing up; I was that girl on the bus with you. I had zero self-confidence and was constantly tortured. But at the same time, I wasn't afraid to let my on freak flag fly. My mother taught horseback riding when I was growing up, and if there was ever anything I learned, it was that when you fall off your horse, you don't shy away. You get back on, and you try again. And again, And again, a million times, if necessary!
You also mentioned how not everyone is good at everything and that is so true! I was a GT kid and my best friend was too; she's now a teacher in elementary school and her biggest complaint is the GT kids. GT kids are smart, sure, but their not smart in every subject and that causes a lot of problems. It's actually very rare for a child to be truly GT across the board in all subjects.
I have a lot of the same reservations about raising my daughter, but at the end of the day, I tell myself that if I'm going to make anything stick, it's the "get back up when you fall" philosophy. Hopefully, that will be enough to transform my spirited toddler into a well-adjusted, reasonably sane, and confident young woman.
A well written and thoughtful post…now I need to go find that book!
The answer to the question is to pray and seek God's guidance every step of the way and you will surely succeed.
We all make mistakes. Our parents did and we will…but if we learn from them..and keep trying…we are doing the right thing.
"I like to think I'm not deluded or vain but confident. I think I'm a worthwhile person"
This spoke to me. I completely relate to this. I am so insecure physically – in my appearance and my weight – it has caused SOOO many problems in my marraige and past relationships…but in other areas…I am so confident. I know I'm not the best at some things, but I'm smart, I'm capable and I feel good about things. I want that confidence in my children. That they too know they aren't perfect but that they are confident in a lot of things and not afraid to try others.
I imagine this must be a very difficult thing to do as a parent — to both nurture your child and protect them from the world, all while teaching them to stand on their own and be different.
However, with you as a mother, I can't imagine him being afraid to be himself. I can't imagine him not getting the encouragement he needs to become the best person he can possible grow into.