So we’re back from our vacation in Florida (which explains my absence from the blogging world this past week). Here are a few of the random thoughts I had while away.
- The reason you can get relatively cheap hotel rates and affordable airfare to Florida in late July is because it is frigging HOT HOT HOT down there.
- Can you really call it a vacation if you are in the constant presence of your child, who NEVER EVER STOPS TALKING unless he is asleep? Let’s just be honest. This was no vacation … it was a trip.
- Mr. Jenners seemingly has a million little joke sayings about business and celebrities–most of which I heard during the trip: Olive Garbage. Comcrap. Radio Scrap. Ellen DeGenerate. Party Shitty. Sometimes I feel like I married a bad stand-up comic.
- Chevrolet Impalas SUCK. Seriously, if I was an impala, I would be insulted to have this car named after me. It was the most unresponsive and clunkiest car I’ve ever driven … and that is from someone who used to drive a Chevy Nova.
- SeaWorld totally LIES about the pearls in the oysters that their (admittedly very attractive) divers get for you (after you agree to pay them $15). Upon closer examination, the Little One’s pearl that we saw come out of an oyster looked suspiciously man made and cheap. I’m so onto you, SeaWorld!
- SeaWorld’s water park (Aquatica) has the best “lazy” river ever– Roa’s Rapids. It is not lazy in the least, but tons of fun. Of course, after 7 consecutive trips around it, the fun began to pale for me.
- If you eat at an IHOP (International House of Pancakes for the Acronym Impaired), it is best to order a breakfast food or something that resembles pancakes. I very much enjoyed my banana nutella crepes, while the Little One and Mr. Jenners had difficulty choking down their dinner entrees. The Little One’s cheeseburger was described as being “like a hockey puck.”
- We moved hotels three times during our trip. I felt like we were on the run from the law or something. (By the way, we planned to do this. I don’t know what we were thinking exactly.)
- I was right when I told the Little One that is wasn’t possible to run down 7 flights of stairs and make it to the outdoor pool in time to see the dolphin swimming by in the nearby bay that we’d seen from our hotel balcony. I know this because I did it and we didn’t see the damn dolphin but I almost suffered a heart attack while trying.
- The Little One swinging around the pole on the monorail in the Orlando Airport looked suspiciously like he had visited a strip club at some point in his life.
- It seems inconceivable to me that there was not one pull-string Sheriff Woody in all of Downtown Disney … or apparently Orlando. This was the “big prize” that was held over the Little One’s head during the entire trip to ensure good behavior. Then, when it came time to pay up, we couldn’t find one to save our lives, which entailed trolling through all the stores in Downtown Disney, two Targets, three Wal-Marts, two off-brand toy stores, and a Disney Store at a mall. Valuable vacation time was spent on this Epic Quest for a doll an action figure that we ended up buying 10 minutes from our home. (Note: It is wrong to giggle like a 10-year-old boy when saying the phrase “I guess you won’t get a Woody in Florida.”)
- Even in a king-sized bed, the Little One still managed to kick me repeatedly during the night.
- I still cannot eat pasta with cream sauce without suffering severe gastrointestinal distress.
- It is entirely possible to spend time in Orlando without going to any of the Disney parks. Suck on that, Mickey!
- You can swallow about 4 gallons of pool water and still feel thirsty.
Oh and big news! I crossed an item off my bucket list!!! I have now “Gone on one of those big ‘drain-like’ water slides.” Of course, I had to do it by myself as the Little One was too freaked out to try it. (Though after I did it, I realize he would have been terrified.) It was really fun, and I guess I now know what it might feel like to be flushed down a toilet.