It seems ridiculous to write a serious review of Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. After all, the book has been around for a while, and I may be one of the few people who hadn’t read the book before 2010. So, for giggles, I thought I’d discuss the book as if I was a teenage Valley Girl. Hope you enjoy! (And my apologies to Jane … I don’t mean any disrespect. But you strike me as someone who has a good sense of humor so I’m sure you’d enjoy my light-hearted take on your book.)
So, like, I read this book? Called Pride & Prejudice? It totally takes place ages ago. Like way before my mom was even born. And it is set in England, which is like the U.K., where the Spice Girls came from? And like, OHMYGOD, how hot is David Beckham!!???? He’s so married to Posh Spice, who is, like, incredibly skinny even though she’s had like five kids.
So, anyway, this book takes place a long time ago in England. Things were a lot different then. Like, they didn’t have malls! Or texting! They wrote letters WITH THEIR OWN HANDS and rode around in horse-drawn carriages or like WALKED to places. But, on the cool side, they had balls and stuff, which I think is kind of like a prom. And OHMYGOD I hope Jimmy Zinkas doesn’t ask me to the prom! He is such a LOSER and has, like, totally gross hair! Ugh.
So, there are all these sisters … the Bennett sisters. I think it would be totally cool to have so many sisters (so I could totally borrow clothes) instead of my annoying little brother. The oldest one is Jane and she’s like totally pretty. And then there is Elizabeth, who is like the main girl in the story, and she is like really smart but TOTALLY doesn’t do what she is supposed to. I thought she was so cool! She’s like all thinking for herself and not doing what her mom wants her to do.
Oh … and her mother! Don’t get me started! What a FREAK SHOW! She is totally obsessed with getting her daughters married … and she like totally doesn’t even CARE if they are in love or anything!!! And she is so embarrassing … always making a fool of herself. Totally like my mom, you know? Like how my mom tried to get me to shop at K-Mart for clothes! I mean, K-Mart!! Seriously, Mom! Why don’t you just kill me now!?! I’d rather like DIE than shop at K-Mart. I mean, everyone knows you have to shop at Hollister or commit social suicide. I mean, jeez, Mom! Get with it! You’re totally clueless like Mrs. Bennett.
But Elizabeth’s dad … he was like totally fun and kind of made fun of Mrs. Bennett …. but like Mrs. Bennett totally didn’t even know.
So, anyway, this totally rich and hot guy named Bingley moves down the road from the Bennett girls and Jane is like all gaga over him and he likes her too. So, like, they all go to a ball at his house ‘cuz he’s like totally rich and he and Jane dance together a lot. But he has this friend? Named Mr. Darcy … who is like totally even richer but he is a total jerk and insults Elizabeth and so everyone hates him. But they keep having to see him ‘cuz Jane is all into Bingley but THEN … Bingley and all his friends just like TOTALLY LEAVE and don’t even tell Jane goodbye and Jane is all heart-broken and Elizabeth is all POed on Jane’s behalf.
And then … OH YEAH … this TOTAL LOSER named Mr. Collins comes to stay with the Bennetts and he like their cousin and all but he wants to MARRY Elizabeth! Her cousin! Ewwwww! Gross! Isn’t that, like, illegal or something? But he totally is going to get the big house they live in when Mr. Bennett dies and Mrs. Bennett is like “Oh Elizabeth … you HAVE to marry him!” But Elizabeth is like “NO WAY! I totally won’t. He’s such a LOSER!!!!” So then Collins marries a friend of Elizabeth’s just like ONE DAY LATER! MY GAWD! I’d be soooo pissed if I was Elizabeth but she totally doesn’t care … she’s just sorry for her friend to have live to with such a loser.
Oh, I forgot to mention that Elizabeth kind of likes this other guy … Mr. Wickham, who is totally hot and tells her all kinds of awful things about Mr. Darcy and what a jerk he is. They kind of bond over this but then Wickham kind of disappears and avoids Elizabeth and starts paying attention to another girl and Elizabeth is like “Whatever…”
So then Jane goes to stay with her aunt and uncle in London, and Elizabeth goes to visit her and then to see her friend who married Collins and guess who she runs into? Mr. Darcy! And he’s all gaga over her but she’s pissed because Darcy convinced Bingham to ignore Jane and Elizabeth just rips Darcy a new one and he’s all apologetic but Elizabeth… who is totally like My IDOL now … says “Forget you … you don’t mess with my sister.”
Then! SCANDAL! The youngest Bennett sister Lydia runs off with Wickham .. and like they’re NOT married!! Even MY mom would be pissed at this and we don’t live in an uptight time like the Bennetts, where you had to behave a certain way and weren’t even allowed to get muddy or flushed cheeks without people saying nasty things about you.
But then it turns out that Darcy is really a good guy! He totally does all this stuff to fix things with Lydia and Wickham AND gets Jane and Bingham back together AND he begs Elizabeth for forgiveness and she’s like “Wow … you are SO not the jerk I thought you were!” and she loves him too and they totally decide to get married and so do Jane and Bingham and even Mrs. Bennett is happy ‘cuz all her girls are getting married so they won’t be poor and homeless.
And so, even thought it was like TOTALLY different than my life and they talked like ALL THE TIME and for a REALLY LONG TIME and like TOTALLY WEIRD and stuff, I kind of liked this book and how Elizabeth did what SHE thought was right and didn’t listen to anybody! And it makes me wonder if Jimmy Zinkas is as bad as I thought he was … I mean, he DID stop those other boys from picking on the exchange student the other day so maybe there is something good there behind all that hair. Hmmm….it makes me wonder if I judged him too quickly???
So, if you’re like looking for a famous book to read that is really old and different from your own life, you might want to check this book out. It’s like REALLY famous and totally made into a movie and the guy who plays Mr. Darcy is kind of cute in an old-fashioned way. And I actually listened to part of the book on an audiobook on my iPod (once I found it after my jerk brother took it!), and I thought it almost worked better as an audio book than as a a “reading” book … because of the language you know? And even though it isn’t like, as good as the Twilight books, I think it was pretty OK and maybe I would try this author again. I hear there’s this old movie called Clueless that is based on one of Jane Austen’s books so maybe I’ll try that next.