Writer’s Workshop: Open Letter to Celebrity
by Jenners • 11/18/2010 • Writers Workshop • 82 Comments
Time for Writer’s Workshop! Head on over to Mama Kat’s to join in.
This week, I’m choosing prompt 4: An open letter to a celebrity. I decided to write my letter to Thanksgiving. Yes … the holiday Thanksgiving. (I hear you saying “But Jenners, Thanksgiving isn’t a celebrity.” And I say to you “Have you SEEN Dancing with The Stars? If Bristol Palin is considered a star, then Thanksgiving is a celebrity.” So there.) So, without further ado, I present my open letter to Thanksgiving.
Dear Thanksgiving:
I think we need to get you a new agent. Your current one—if I may be brutally honest—is doing a piss poor job. He’s letting Halloween and Christmas steal your spotlight. In fact, I’ve seen people already decorating for Christmas—skipping right over you like you don’t even exist! You’re becoming the Rodney Dangerfield of holidays. We need to get you back the respect you deserve. It used to be that people would wait until you had your moment before getting all worked up about Christmas (who has one of the greatest PR agents ever … seriously, the Guy is a genius). Now, your profile is so low that you just get lost in the shuffle. At Target, there is one little rinky dink section of cards dedicated to you, but it can barely be seen by the bright sparkly Christmas card section, which is also twice as big. This kind of treatment just screams “I’m on the D List just like Kathy Griffin.” So let’s review what your strengths are and how we could market them to increase your visibility and status.
- Food. You’re all about food—and who doesn’t like to eat? Now, perhaps the whole turkey thing is getting overdone and tiresome. How about we jazz you up with some Asian Fusion or some cranberry foam like you always see those guys on Top Chef making. And I’m as big a fan of pumpkin pie as the next person, but we need to tap into the chocoholic market; those people are nuts. If we can associate you with a chocolate fountain, your visibility and importance will increase tenfold.
Let's drop the pumpkin pie and focus on this!
- Football. Although food appeals to both sexes, your strong association with football is something we need to exploit more with the male gender. I’m thinking hard-hitting ads on ESPN and perhaps a promotional tie-in with the NFL.
- Guaranteed Two Days Off From Work. Because you always fall on a Thursday, most companies give their employees two days off to celebrate—providing a built-in four day weekend. That is golden!!! We need to exploit that more—emphasizing how Christmas could fall on any day of the week and doesn’t give you the guaranteed time off all hard-working folks need and deserve. Not only would that increase your popularity and profile, it would help dim some of Christmas’s glow.
I think we also need to give you a better mascot. The turkey thing and the muted earth tone colors just don’t quite have the pizzaz of Christmas. (Heck, in the excitement department, even the Fourth of July beats you!) We need to liven things up and make it more modern. How about Giselle, the Thanksgiving Peacock? Or Marlena, the Thanksgiving Macaw?
And the pilgrim/Indian story line just doesn’t get folks interested like it used to. We need to incorporate more sex appeal … perhaps the sexy pilgrim girl and the bare-chested Indian brave. (I also represent Kim Kardashian and Taylor Lautner so maybe I can talk to them about an ad campaign.)
The New Face of Puritanism!
Santa who?
So all this is just off the top of my head. I’ve got tons more ideas. I’d love to talk more with you and get you the respect and attention you deserve. Have your people give my people a call and we’ll set up a meeting.
Ciao!
Kisses, Jenners
Thanks for supporting my favorite holiday and now my favorite Indian brave. Where did you find him? I think if he and Santa had both been in the Thanksgiving parade we know who would have generated the most interest!
You should Google “Hot Indian braves” and see what you get! (P.S. You’ll get the Twilight wolf boys too!)
After seeing that last picture, I’ll totally support anything you want. (Although I’d appreciate it if you could play up the idea of pumpkin cheesecake for dessert, because that’s about all I’m interested in. Well, that and the guy who’s going to knock Santa right out of our minds.)
oh Jenners you have so topped yourself with this letter! Thanksgiving needs to hire YOU as its PR agent….I can only imagine the ads now!
Those ads would be causing accidents left and right!
I do think if you were the advertising agent for thanksgiving you would definitely get the holiday some attention!!!!!
What can I say … sex sells! : 0
Fabulous post. You take the cheesecake for originality and tasteful humor. And I’m making the Indian my wallpaper. Thanksgiving comes early with your gifted writing. ;o)
Awww…I’m blushing under your praise. : )
Oh, you are hilarious! I haven’t celebrated Thanksgiving in a few years now, though it’s mainly because the pilgrims and the indians never made peace in Japan. It would be interesting if they did but I don’t see why they would. But I digress…. Now if we had the sexy pilgrim girl and the yummy looking Indian…I think you might be able to sell the holiday to many, many countries.
By the way, I’m not sure if oven roasted peacock would taste as good as turkey. They would definitely make the current Thanksgiving colors more festive though!
Oh no no no … we don’t EAT the Thanksgiving peacock … he is just to add some color and excitement to the day. But … who knows … maybe roast peacock is really really good.
We actually saw a wild turkey last week. It was quite impressive – especially when it flew right in front of our moving vehicle. I think Thanksgiving’s agent needs to focus on this a little more!
Wow … that must have been something! Glad you didn’t get in an accident or something! I saw one by the side of the road once and it was much much bigger than I thought it would be. You’re right … in person, the turkey is more impressive than you’d think.
Gotta say I love the new “face” you have for Thanksgiving. YOWZA! I think I could get used to your proposed changes,. Great post.
My “new” face of Thanksgiving seems to be a hit. What can I say … sex sells! ; )
jenners! ohmyfreakinggod this is pure GENIUS! you so could have used that picture of your street with the houses decorated for all different holidays!!
i *love* thanksgiving for the family and food. but that’s just me! *great* post and your dwts connection? love. it!!
I could have used that photo of our street … and the poor little house for Thanksgiving would have a sad looking turkey in the front and no lights.
let’s band together and decorate for thanksgiving! clings! lights! scarecrows! i’m in if you are! *sigh* dorky, but fun? would that describe me well?
Dorky but fun is the very best thing to be!!! That is an apt description of me as well! : )
Santa who? I totally forgot everything else with that one! Wowza!
He seems to be having that effect on everyone.
don’t say that! He’s mine…all mine!!
I love it!
Being Canadian and celebrating Thanksgiving at the beginning of October, it works out just perfect because the holidays are spread out more….
Us Canadians just…well…have it all figured out! LOL
You sure have. I would love to move Thanksgiving … to late January or mid-March. There isn’t much going on then and it would get its due.
Score 1 for you Canadians.
Great letter to Thanksgiving!
And lol about ‘If Bristol Palin is considered a star, then Thanksgiving is a celebrity’<- I totally agree.
Isn’t it just crazy who they get for that show??? I mean, the girl had a baby out of wedlock while her mom was running for VP. How does that make you a star?????
Love the pictures and the post. You are right, Thanksgiving has become a second-class holiday citizen!
So sad isn’t it? A perfectly good holiday shoved aside and made to feel bad about itself.
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday in part because of the food, but also because there is no pressure worrying about whether or not people are going to like their presents. Just good fun getting together with relatives to be thankful.
I think with you in charge of PR Thanksgiving might move up a few notches in a lot of people’s books (especially with Mr. Naked feather guy)!
That is another good selling point .. it is easy on the wallet and low stress!
As always you remain fresh and original with your posts. I’m jealous.
Can you get me an appointment with the indian chief. I need to talk to him about….um….corn? And how to grow it. Yeah. corn.
Corn, my ass. I know what you want from that Indian and it isn’t a discussion about corn!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Can I have the Indian over to roast my turkey??
I don’t think you’d even need an oven … he generates enough heat all by himself.
I’m still kind of thinking about that last picture… Anyway, good for you and your support of my favorite holiday. I feel bad for Thanksgiving too. Always getting pushed out of the way. Thanksgiving can feel a little better because it does get the BEST parade around.
True … it does get the best parade .. but who arrives at the end of it? Frigging Santa!! Can’t he just hold off until the next day???
Marlena that Thanksgiving Macaw cracked me up! I was going to say so much more, but that Native American man lusted all of the talk right out of me…
…
…
He seems to be having that effect on everyone!
Ha! I love this! I went shopping for some Thanksgiving decorations last week, and they were 60% off already (the entire store was decorated for Christmas). I actually had a moment where I thought maybe I’d missed it.
Santa who, indeed!
Your comment just cracked me up. That is crazy that the decorations are discounted so steeply BEFORE THE HOLIDAY!!! As if they don’t expect ANYONE to even buy them. That is crazy.
Quite brilliant – I think the last photo image for Thanksgiving would do far more than the peacock
I too so dislike that fact that Christmas decorations are already up everywhere and I’m English!
Yes … I think my Indian brave is making a good case for himself being the “new” face of Thanksgiving.
Hear! Hear! (or should that be ‘here here’?) Very well stated!
..but, back when I still had a paying job I NEVER got Friday off!
Well, that kind of stinks you never got that Friday off!
I’m sorry… I had a lot of things I wanted to comment on, but I completely lost my train of thought when I saw that Indian…WOW.
He’s been quite popular today .. a veritable Thanksgiving feast all by himself.
Jenners, I love you. You are so awesomely funny and I am just so thankful for that picture of the Indian brave that I don’t know if I am going to be able to continue on my perusal of the internet today. I might just have to stop here and camp for awhile. I agree that Thanksgiving is being squeezed out by Halloween and Christmas, and I don’t like it one bit. I think that Thanksgiving really needs to give you a call about it’s image, because you seem to have some really worthwhile suggestions on how to spice things up!
See … it is working already. One sexy Indian brave and you’re already drooling about Thanksgiving. Enjoy … it is my holiday gift to you.
You’re a genius. Will you be MY agent?
“Santa who?” Hilarious.
I’m all for some Asian fusion and fondue. Also in with the peacock.
Just so you know, since I worked for a bank in the States I only got Thursday off unless I took a vacay day on black friday. Something about a federal law that prohibits banks from being closed for more than three consecutive days…blah, blah, blah.
That stinks about the bank holidays. But still … banks seem to be closed on holidays that NO ONE else is closed on so I think it makes up for it.
Anything that involves that last photo has my vote!
He’s proving to be quite the popular fellow. I think if Thanksgiving hired him as the “official” face of the holiday, all Thanksgiving’s problems would be solved (at least with the female population.)
I love you!
This had me laughing with shoulders shaking too. Thanks! I needed that.
Oh … I love you too! : )
A great post. I knew you’d manage to mention chocolate. Not a holiday we celebrate here in England, I think we should have the time off anyway if only to show our support.
Yes … you should demand your extra two days for solidarity … and chocolate!
LOL! I’m sorry to tell you that in so many countries and cultures, Thanksgiving doesn’t exist! But ssh! don’t let it know…
Oh dear … yet another reason for Thanksgiving to feel bad. He’s not even global!!!
Once again, you crack me up. This is too funny. I’m trying to imagine Kim Kardashian as a Puritan. . . no, it’s just not happening. It’s my favorite holiday too, since it’s all about the food, no gifts required. But I always manage to include chocolate somehow, even if it’s Dove chocolates after dinner.
I like how you do Thanksgiving. How about we collaborate on a deep fried Turkey covered in chocolate? Seriously … it could be done. We tried some chocolate-covered bacon recently!!! (Not as bad as you might think.)
You are hilarious! The sex appeal point and the photos to go with it are the best. I agree with you on the food. Thanksgiving dinner gets a bit boring year after year. I hate pumpkin pie so your idea of engaging us chocoholics is perfect!
Yes!!! I knew it! I knew the chocolate focus would work … as well as the sex appeal.
If I were Thanksgiving I would SO hire you, if nothing short of the fact that you have the perfect mascot in mind!
I can’t wait for Turkey day…..now what kind of pie do I want?
Why limit yourself? Get every pie you can think of and go to town … in fact, skip the meal in favor of pie!
Ha ha ha ha! This is great. I totally agree. The new Native American mascot? I can totally get behind that!
TG doesn’t have much of chance though when the Christmas decorations/shopping comes out in October!
stopping by from mama kat’s
I know … poor TG gets NOTHING. After Halloween it is Christmas, Christmas,Christmas. It isn’t right.
I agree. Thanksgiving used to be a BIG deal. The lead-up and the aftermath were quite enjoyable. Who doesn’t enjoy a nice, big, turkey sandwich piled high with leftovers? After dinner, you would whip out all the Black Friday ads and plan the shopping frenzy.
But now, the shopping starts so early and yes, I am guilty of it too. I don’t like feeling as if I’ve been left behind so when the stores start promoting it, then I start sucking it up.
I think Halloween got overlooked this year too though. With it being on a freakin’ Sunday and all. I think Halloween should always be the last Saturday of the month and that Christmas should be in January but those with religion would take issue with that I think.
I think Halloween gets plenty of attention regardless of the day … I know we did a whole “Halloweekend” after being urged to do so by Target. (I’m a victim of their marketing!)
And if we somehow get in the position to rule the world, I like your new holiday calendar!
You’re absolutely right. Someone’s gotta make Tom Turkey a winner. Maybe a cage match with The Situation?
Or a guest shot as a victim on Dexter? Talk about carving ability there!
Charles Shulz tried with his Thanksgiving special, and it is cute and all, but it’s not titillating at all. I’m thinkin’ a movie with nudity…look at those breasts, will ya? (Works on the hens, of course – the toms should don Speedos, get a fake tan (thanks to a blowtorch) and do the runway show with Victoria’s Secret models.
And they gotta change the name from Butterball to something less, well, obese sounding…
I think you and I should take a meeting and discuss.
You’re hired!!! Together we can save Thanksgiving!
Where do I sign up to get an bare chested boy like THAT!? Dip that in chocolate and I WILL be giving thanks!
Enjoy the day!
Erin
Wow … thanks for the visual!! I’ll think about that all day!
Yes, that is a great visual! I’ll join you in that thought…
He is proving to be quite popular today.
Hahahaha! I LOVE this. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and I’m bummed it doesn’t get the credit it deserves. Thanksgiving really needs to hire you to freshen up it’s public image.
Well, I did get a call earlier from Thanksgiving’s people so things are looking up…
Ok this? Is hysterical! Especially the pictures. I love them.
You make so many totally valid points. I do love Thanksgiving, almost as much as Christmas and much more than Halloween, but it does get brushed aside. For me, it’s missing the decorations and the music. I think that’s why Christmas seems to absorb Thanksgiving; it’s so fun to decorate and sing seasonal music! So, I would add a P.S. to your letter that suggests Thanksgiving get busy in the merchandising department and crank out some decorations. Also, it should get a few big recording artists on its side and start cranking out the hits. I think retailers will be pleased–one more holiday to sell stuff for!
Yes … we need some Thanksgiving songs and theme CDs!!! I’ll call Justin Beiber to get on this now!
I’d love to tell you how entertaining this was but I’m kinda stuck on that last picture. . . . . . . still there. . . . . . . . . wait. . . . . give me a sec. . . . . . .
: )
Consider that an early holiday present!
This is a great post, and so true…so very true. I love Thanksgiving, and have been sorely disappointed that Christmas starts becoming hyped up before Thanksgiving…actually, I think it is starting a bit before even Halloween. Sad, sad.
I hope Thanksgiving does indeed claim a new PR agent.
I know … it surely needs one. I feel sorry for it … lost in the shuffle.