Time for Writer’s Workshop! Head on over to Mama Kat’s to join in.
This week, I’m choosing prompt 4: An open letter to a celebrity. I decided to write my letter to Thanksgiving. Yes … the holiday Thanksgiving. (I hear you saying “But Jenners, Thanksgiving isn’t a celebrity.” And I say to you “Have you SEEN Dancing with The Stars? If Bristol Palin is considered a star, then Thanksgiving is a celebrity.” So there.) So, without further ado, I present my open letter to Thanksgiving.
I think we need to get you a new agent. Your current one—if I may be brutally honest—is doing a piss poor job. He’s letting Halloween and Christmas steal your spotlight. In fact, I’ve seen people already decorating for Christmas—skipping right over you like you don’t even exist! You’re becoming the Rodney Dangerfield of holidays. We need to get you back the respect you deserve. It used to be that people would wait until you had your moment before getting all worked up about Christmas (who has one of the greatest PR agents ever … seriously, the Guy is a genius). Now, your profile is so low that you just get lost in the shuffle. At Target, there is one little rinky dink section of cards dedicated to you, but it can barely be seen by the bright sparkly Christmas card section, which is also twice as big. This kind of treatment just screams “I’m on the D List just like Kathy Griffin.” So let’s review what your strengths are and how we could market them to increase your visibility and status.
- Food. You’re all about food—and who doesn’t like to eat? Now, perhaps the whole turkey thing is getting overdone and tiresome. How about we jazz you up with some Asian Fusion or some cranberry foam like you always see those guys on Top Chef making. And I’m as big a fan of pumpkin pie as the next person, but we need to tap into the chocoholic market; those people are nuts. If we can associate you with a chocolate fountain, your visibility and importance will increase tenfold.
- Football. Although food appeals to both sexes, your strong association with football is something we need to exploit more with the male gender. I’m thinking hard-hitting ads on ESPN and perhaps a promotional tie-in with the NFL.
- Guaranteed Two Days Off From Work. Because you always fall on a Thursday, most companies give their employees two days off to celebrate—providing a built-in four day weekend. That is golden!!! We need to exploit that more—emphasizing how Christmas could fall on any day of the week and doesn’t give you the guaranteed time off all hard-working folks need and deserve. Not only would that increase your popularity and profile, it would help dim some of Christmas’s glow.
I think we also need to give you a better mascot. The turkey thing and the muted earth tone colors just don’t quite have the pizzaz of Christmas. (Heck, in the excitement department, even the Fourth of July beats you!) We need to liven things up and make it more modern. How about Giselle, the Thanksgiving Peacock? Or Marlena, the Thanksgiving Macaw?
And the pilgrim/Indian story line just doesn’t get folks interested like it used to. We need to incorporate more sex appeal … perhaps the sexy pilgrim girl and the bare-chested Indian brave. (I also represent Kim Kardashian and Taylor Lautner so maybe I can talk to them about an ad campaign.)
So all this is just off the top of my head. I’ve got tons more ideas. I’d love to talk more with you and get you the respect and attention you deserve. Have your people give my people a call and we’ll set up a meeting.