Metaphorically Speaking
by Jenners • 01/17/2011 • My Take On..., Silliness • 66 Comments
clicking on photo takes you to source
So I was reading Harper’s magazine this morning (which sounds somewhat pretentious but really isn’t), and there was this little article about a list of metaphors that were found in Raymond Chandler’s notebooks. It included metaphors such as:
- As cute as a washtub (??!)
- As much sex appeal as a turtle
- As clean as an angel’s neck
- High enough to have snow on him
- Lower than a badger’s balls
- Smart as a hole through nothing (Note: I don’t even get this!)
- A face like a collapsed lung.
Lacking inspiration for a post, I thought I’d try my hand at creating weird/tortuous/odd/unfortunate metaphors. Here is what I came up with.
- He picked unhappily at potatoes as lumpy as cellulite.
- Her hair was as shiny as the back of a frog.
- He walked into the room like a marionette operated by a one-armed puppeteer.
- Her joke fell as flat as a tween’s chest.
- The dog wagged his tail like a metronome on a piano.
- Her hands were as gnarled as driftwood.
- The baby smelled like a hot dog boiled in sauerkraut water. He needed a diaper change!
- His eyes pierced me like a knitting needle stuck in my aorta.
- The cat mewed as piteously as a shriveled balloon.
- Her head hurt like a toddler’s conversation.
- The blog post was as uninspired as a painting of an all-white cow with her eyes closed in a snowstorm.
So what about you? Any horrifying or unfortunate metaphors spring to your mind like a gymnast attempting to land a vault in the Olympics? Do you feel as creative as a dishrag stuffed in a garden hose? Can you make me laugh as hard as a diamond engagement ring? Let’s hear it!
Hurt like a toddlers conversation = my favorite metaphor ever! So true! It is A.G.O.N.I.Z.I.N.G!!!!
Very clever post, not like a white cow at all!
NOTHING hurts as much as a toddler’s conversation I’ve found … other than a “big boy’s” incessant noisemaking.
I loathe vegetables with the same enthusiasm that Cookie Monster adores Cookies.
Me too!!!
I am totally telling someone her hair is as shiny as the back of a frog. I’ll let you know if I get slapped.
Either you’ll get slapped or you’ll get a look that says “She is a freak and I will avoid her forever.” Good luck. (And I shall not be held responsible for what happens. These metaphors are to be used at your own risk.)
I can’t think of any brilliant ones to share but you sure came up with some good ones!
So you’re as stuck as a …. oh, forget it. I was going to say something really gross but I’ll spare you!
Maybe it should’ve been “as confusing as a hole through nothing.”
The tween’s chest cracked me up. Loved the knitting needle in the aorta one too. Okay, I guess I’ll have to take a shot at this game. Hmmm, His snoring was as seductive as a dentist’s drill. One more: Her nagging was as effective as mouthwash for Quasimodo. Now who knows why that came to mind right now! LOL.
I suspect that a little girl whose name starts with J might have inspire the nagging one. And I love the dentist’s drill one! If there is a better metaphor for snoring, I’ve never heard it!
Oh that poor baby, better hand me a clothespin. Can I come up with one, hmmmmm, After a week’s wear his socks had become like casts upon his feet.
When I opened the refrigerator door I felt i was in the arctic.
Yeah, I suck, never mind. You’re great though!
You don’t suck … that sock one just conjured up all kinds of nasty images and feelings in me!
I’ve never metaphore I didn’t like. ;O) Haha my husband says this doesn’t make sense but it’s an old family joke and I can’t help it; I love it! These are too much fun.
I love it!!! It reminds me of this Dorothy Parker joke that I love: You can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her think.
Love all these metaphors – yours and his! Smart as a hole through nothing – to me that sounds as if you’re not smart at all.
This post made me laugh out loud like the honking of clowns.
I think you are right … a hole through nothing is nothing so you don’t have any smarts. Apparently, I am as a smart as a hole through nothing!!! ; 0
And clowns give me the shivers … so your metaphor worked on several levels.
My brain is as the mush of sushi – thus, not all that inspiring after a long day at the clinic.
As moms, I think that is our permanent brain state!
Potatoes as lucky as cellulite got me:)
…and not in a good way, I’m thinking.
Oh well done, especially your third one. Love the new banner!
Coming from you (who I find so funny and witty), this comment means so much!
Too funny! What a great way to start my morning
Still too early for me to think up of funny metaphors but I’m going to have to find the perfect moments to use the ones you made with Jason. He’s going to give me some strange looks 
And getting strange looks from your husband is what marriage is all about!
This post was as satisfying as taking a bath in warm chocolate.
sorry. that’s all i got for you.
Don’t worry … the idea of a bath in warm chocolate makes up for any lack of quantity by being very very high quality.
Cute as a washtub…I love it! Um, and the white cow one. That’s great!
My dad likes to say “finer than frog hair split four ways,” which is all I can think of after reading your shiny hair metaphor!
Now that is all I can think of. That is a very odd metaphor your dad has there!
I can’t think of any. My brain is as impotent as Hugh Hefner sans Viagra.
Ooohhh…good one. I love it! And how bizzaro is it that Hef is getting married again????
I much prefer yours to Chandlers! You should send them to Harpers! Oh! and the one about the Badgers balls…what the…oh nevermind! lol
I’ll see if I can come up with any, I just have to warm up me brain!
Somehow I think Harper’s take would be “Why the heck is this obscure blogging housewife sending us these awful metaphors. She is as deluded as a contestant on American Idol!”
Yes some very interesting ones
. I did love the tween one though
But knowing how sophisticated kids are these days, probably inaccurate.
If you wrote a book using those metaphors I would read it
I will hold you to that. : )
I kinda got hung up on the badger’s balls. ahahah!
These are great!
I know … what an oddly specific thing to say!
Tween’s chest, blueviolet’s chest…same thing.
Well, perhaps I’ll update my metaphor then. HAHA!
I love these, both yours and Chandlers. I particularly like the “hole through nothing” and your ” baby boiled in sauerkraut water”. Mine is something I heard somewhere once before. As ungainly as a bag of soup!
Ooohh…I love “ungainly as a bag of soup.” What an odd — but totally easy to imagine — image!
Well I have to say I thought you did a much better job than R.C. I especially liked ‘Her head hurt like a toddler’s conversation’ – why, why, why. When they get to the stage of continually asking this it really does hurt your head.
It does hurt when they get that way … bad!! I blame 95% of my headaches on my Little One (who is in love with the sound of his own voice.)
I’m new to your blog, so maybe you have talked about the book, I Never Metaphor I Didn’t Like. If you like metaphors, you might enjoy it. The author is Dr. Mardy Grothe. My daughter thought it was a weird book, but I have enjoyed it. I enjoy your posts.
Thanks for the tip! I’d never heard of the book but it sounds like fun.
I think maybe my butt looks like those potatoes…
Mine too!!
Oooh I love this post. Thank you so much for coming up with it. And I love your metaphors, especially the cat’s meow.
I do remember reading one that appealed to me recently, it was Hemingway, the old man of the cool metaphor really. I think it was this, from memory, so forgive the odd wrong word. He walked away, with a face as long as a day without breakfast. This one really tickled my fancy so to speak.
Oh … I loved that one!!! Very memorable and effective. A day is very very long without breakfast. Thanks for sharing that one!
No way lady! You’ve cornered the market on all the good metaphors. Anything I write will only leave you “laughing as hard as a diamond engagement ring!”
You mean I’ve cornered the market like a folded piece of paper!
Nothing springs to mind but I love yours – totally crazy
It was hard to get going on these, but it was a fun little exercise in how NOT to write!
That’s hilarious! I came over and peeked at your reading map! How fun!
I’m loving the reading map! I can’t wait to get more pins in it.
I got nothing, but I love her hands were as gnarled as diftwood. That’s my hands.
I’m on my way there too!
Interesting. I was reading a book this weekend that had some pretty awful metaphors. Comparing skin to butter melting on hot grits was probably my favorite. They can certainly make or break a novel, can they not?
I agree … really bad metaphors can take you right out of the story.
Oh, and that should be “its” not “it’s”….that’s what happens when you get wrapped up in metaphors tighter than an ace bandage on a swelling ankle.
Oh, my! You’re as ready for the hard-boiled mystery genre as a wood chuck ready to chuck some wood. Or an ant ready to head for a picnic.
Those metaphors shine like a flashlight on it’s last battery. Sparkle like a fine $5 bottle of wine.
(And I’m with you, what the heck does *Smart as a hole through nothing* mean????)
Oh you’re good. And I’m glad you didn’t get “smart as as hole through nothing” either. That just hurts my brain thinking about it.
Ugh, now I have a picture in my mind of some pretty gross potatoes!
Oops … sorry about that.