So I was reading Harper’s magazine this morning (which sounds somewhat pretentious but really isn’t), and there was this little article about a list of metaphors that were found in Raymond Chandler’s notebooks. It included metaphors such as:
- As cute as a washtub (??!)
- As much sex appeal as a turtle
- As clean as an angel’s neck
- High enough to have snow on him
- Lower than a badger’s balls
- Smart as a hole through nothing (Note: I don’t even get this!)
- A face like a collapsed lung.
Lacking inspiration for a post, I thought I’d try my hand at creating weird/tortuous/odd/unfortunate metaphors. Here is what I came up with.
- He picked unhappily at potatoes as lumpy as cellulite.
- Her hair was as shiny as the back of a frog.
- He walked into the room like a marionette operated by a one-armed puppeteer.
- Her joke fell as flat as a tween’s chest.
- The dog wagged his tail like a metronome on a piano.
- Her hands were as gnarled as driftwood.
- The baby smelled like a hot dog boiled in sauerkraut water. He needed a diaper change!
- His eyes pierced me like a knitting needle stuck in my aorta.
- The cat mewed as piteously as a shriveled balloon.
- Her head hurt like a toddler’s conversation.
- The blog post was as uninspired as a painting of an all-white cow with her eyes closed in a snowstorm.
So what about you? Any horrifying or unfortunate metaphors spring to your mind like a gymnast attempting to land a vault in the Olympics? Do you feel as creative as a dishrag stuffed in a garden hose? Can you make me laugh as hard as a diamond engagement ring? Let’s hear it!