Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua
by Jenners • 11/28/2011 • 4 Stars, B Titles, C Authors, Memoir, Non-Fiction • 61 Comments
Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy ChuaPublisher: Penguin Press, 2011
Pages: 256
Genre: Non-Fiction, Memoir
Where I Got It: Bought It
Why I Read It: After reading the Time cover story on Chua’s book, I was intrigued and wanted to read more about her and her extreme parenting style
My Rating: 4 stars
Book Description
This memoir is Chua’s explanation, defense and personal account of the Chinese mother style of parenting, which emphasizes academic achievement, pursuit of perfection, a strong work ethic and respect for your elders (i.e.,the Chinese mother). To Chua, this style of parenting is not limited solely to Chinese mothers, but she does think that the Chinese approach to parenting and the Western approach are at different ends of the spectrum. Where Westerners value self-esteem and nurturing, the Chinese style emphasizes strength and preparing children for the future. As Chua interprets it, there is no room for fun activities like sleepovers, school plays or play dates because they don’t prepare children for the future. Under her regime, her two daughters were required be the top student in every subject area (except gym or drama) and to play either the piano or violin (practicing up to 4 hours a day).
My Thoughts
Chua is unapologetic about her parenting approach and doesn’t sugarcoat her actions as she struggles to impose her will on her daughters, husband and even the family dog. She admits that her approach is extreme, but it is difficult to argue with the results. Both of her daughters are academic superstars and gifted musicians. However, the road to these results was often littered with tears, anger and rebellion, particularly by Chua’s youngest daughter Lulu.
Although Chua often comes across as extreme and almost unfeeling, it is obvious that she did all of this out of love for her daughters and her belief that they could handle the intense pressure she placed on them. In fact, she is confident that they will one day appreciate all that she did for them. (In fact, she demands this kind of recognition and respect now. In one chapter, she talks about ripping up the homemade birthday cards her daughters made because the girls didn’t expend enough effort making them.) In addition, Chua repeatedly mentions that this style of parenting isn’t easy on anyone—not the children or the parents. After working at her job at Yale, Chua would spend hours supervising her children’s musical practice, taking detailed notes and demanding they replay sections again and again.
Although it is easy to dismiss Chua’s approach as cruel and extreme, I think she makes some good points. I do think that I, as a parent, can push my son a bit more. He has a tendency to be a bit lazy—expending the minimum amount of effort for his homework and in soccer. After reading this book, I realized that pushing him a bit wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Although I wouldn’t take things to the level that Chua did, I found myself asking my son to do homework beyond what he was assigned and asking him to practice soccer at home between games. (And what do you know? The week after practicing at home a few times, he managed to score his first goal!)
This was an interesting memoir, and it deserves the controversy that surrounded it upon its publication.Yet before criticizing Chua, I think people owe it to her to read this book and gain a full understanding of what she is about and trying to do.
Recommended For
Readers interested in learning more about Chua’s controversial parenting style and parents who wonder if there is a benefit in pushing their children more than they are used to.
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Oh do I know about the controversy! And boy am I familiar with her parenting style since I was raised in a similar way (I think it’s an Asian thing) I’m sure I can think of so many things I can say in rebuttal for that style of parenting but you are right about giving this book a chance. I haven’t read it yet because of my own personal prejudice against the parenting style but I should give it a chance and then make my judgement based on what I read. I actually do find myself doing a little bit of that Asian parenting thing with E myself especially because the advice I get from my grandmother, mom and aunts all lean I that direction. Thanks for recommending the book though or I’d never read it.
Oh I would LOVE for you to read the book and share your thoughts about it — especially since you have personal experience with it from the child’s point of view. I think there is value to this style of parenting that we can certainly learn from but can moderate it to be a little more “child friendly.” I think it would be a fascinating post if you read the book and discussed it. Hint hint.
I have heard of the controversy surrounding this book, but hadn’t rushed to pick it up. I think a middle ground has got to be the best answer (at least for me). I think there’s a point where people can cross the line and lose compassion for how difficult it is to be a youngster. That being said, I think many parents use the “nurture” argument to defend against their own laziness/busy-ness when it comes to working with their kids. I know that most parents want their kids to do well, but it is tiresome as a parent to do homework with your kid every day for years on end, but you do what you have to because you love your kids. Our school here doesn’t give the parents a choice. From first grade through fifth grade it is a requirement that children read to their parents 20 minutes a night every weekday of the year in order to get credit for their homework (they have a whole “homework hero” reward system with parties and certificates). While I’m sure some parents don’t participate, the school makes it so that there is a lot of incentive (or a lot of guilt if you don’t). As a result I’ve had a lot of wonderful times listening to my boys that I wouldn’t have had otherwise (especially since they would have balked had it not been required homework).
I think you are so right that there is a middle ground that we all need to pursue. Although I applaud the school for forcing parents to get involved, I’m sure much of it is done begrudgingly by the parents and kids alike. It is a tricky issue that I think no one really has a perfect answer for.
I’m definitely too hippie to relate to this… I’m all for encouraging kids to find their limits and then conquer them – but not in this way. I firmly believe that the children themselves have to want to do it, they have to find their own passion without having it forced on them.
I agree with you. There is a much better chance that they will flourish if they find what they truly love rather than having it chosen/forced on them. At the end of the book, Lulu stands up to Chua and demands to be allowed to pursue tennis and drop violin. Amazingly, Chua acquiesces.
I’m all for challenging our kids, but Chua’s approach is almost child abuse in my opinion. I guess I’m too hippie to relate.
I don’t think you’re too “hippie” to relate. She is extreme. I’m not sure it is abuse but it borders on it — mental at least.
I agree that anyone who criticizes this should read it and that it was an entertaining and enjoyable read. I also agree that many kids could probably be pushed or encouraged more so than they are, but she is so extreme!! I’m slightly familiar with a much more toned down version of her parenting style and I think it’s actually AWFUL to pressure kids so much. Although her children did turn out wonderful, I think there are plenty of children who turned out that way with much less extreme methods of parenting!
She is really extreme, and I think any extreme (not just parenting) can be detrimental. I think she was really lucky that it all didn’t backfire on her. I wish now that I’d mentioned in my review that her younger daughter eventually got “her way” and started tennis instead of violin. Of course, Chua threw herself into tennis just as much! : )
I hadn’t heard about her before. This does sound like an interesting read.
I think its good to push kids to a certain extent, to help them achieve goals. What she was doing does sound really extreme. Kids need to be able to relax as well and just be kids and have fun. Playdates and school plays are part being young.
I have heard the Chinese parenting style is very different than ours, much more strict.
Gongrats to your son with soccer
It is a very different style but there are merits to it I think. I think a blend of the two styles might be ideal. It is something I’m going to look at more in my own parenting.
I enjoyed your review especially since you are a parent. I think too many parents today are worried about their children liking them and want to be their friend rather than a parent. I haven’t read this book but I read the article you referenced. Although I think Chua was a bit extreme in her parenting, it worked and it’s not as if she abused or neglected her children. I think many parents can push or encourage their children more without going to the lengths that Chua did! It’s great that your son scored his first goal after you pushed him to practice at home! The bottom line is parenting is a tough job and I think too many parents are too critical of other parents.
Wonderful review, Jenners!
Thanks for your kind comment. Parenting is tough and it can be hard to be the “bad guy” sometimes but, if you really love your kids and want to prepare them for the world, you cannot just be their friend or the “good guy.” It has been one of the hardest things I’ve done … and who knows if it will all turn out in the end.
I’m glad I’m a grandmother and I don’t have to read stuff like this anymore
I’m sure you are!
it is SUCH a balancing act! we do need to be firm and push
occasionally, but we also need to be the safe place our
children can ‘let down.’
my goal was to raise loving, respectful children who would
be a blessing where ever they landed. so far, so good.
It must be a relief to be on the tail end of motherhood and know you “done good.” It is such a balancing act and I feel like I’m continually adjusting.
I have not read her books, but I do think in the West we have tipped way too far over to the self-esteem and nurturing side. She may go a bit too far the other way but we could use some more balance, no doubt.
Exactly … find the balance between the two styles is the key. I would agree with you. I’ve begun to question myself if I’m too easy and “nice” to my son while I should be a bit harder. We’re aren’t here to be their friends after all. It is a difficult road to walk I’m finding … and I suspect it will only get harder as I go along.
I think it’s good to push your children if you think they are not working to their potential but I suspect that when these girls are grown and married…they will appreciate the work and effort but will harbor a deep resentment for what they missed.
Supposedly, the daughters are saying that they appreciate what their mother did for them and plan to incorporate it into their own parenting style. Still, I’d love to see a really candid interview with them away from their mother!
I do push my children a lot more than my parents pushed me, and I expect a lot more from them because I know they are capable of it. The thing that interests me about this book is the seemingly emotionless way that she deals with her children, and I would never dream of tearing up a card that my daughter or son had created for me. It gets a little tougher when your kids are teenagers, and are becoming their own people. I still want them to do their best, but I let them choose their own activities in which they want to flourish, and encourage and push them in those activities. I think I need to read this book. I am making a lot of assumptions, and I am in need of the facts. Fantastic review today, Jenners!
It often feels emotionless and harsh when you’re reading but you know that she is doing it out of a deep sense of love and belief in the value of what she is doing. The relationship with her daughter Lulu was fraught with tension and, in the end, Chua ended up becoming more flexible in letting Lulu be her own person — so I think there are so many lessons to be learned from this book.
Hi Jen,
I’m glad you liked the book, even if Chua’s approach seems a bit extreme. The most important thing is that you took away something from this book, implemented it in real life and got results. Most of us (and not only children) could do with a push every now and then. Sometimes it’s exactly what we needed.
I agree wholeheartedly that we all need a push every so often — even adults. It was interesting to me to see Chua’s lessons have results for my son so quickly. It encouraged me to continue implementing some of her ideas.
This is such a hot-button topic. But American children are coddled — no one wants to give them the bad news: Guess what? Life’s not fair.
BTW: I do believe in play, silliness, having lazy days, and getting more out of life than just working hard for the future …
How funny that you felt you had to include a bit of a disclaimer to your own comment! It is a hot button topic for sure. I think that Western parents could learn an awful lot from Chua and her approach … and coddling our children less would be a good place to start. The “real world” certainly won’t treat them that way!
A friend suggested that I flag pages with bright Post-Its “Good idea!”, “Try this”, “Yes!!” in order to scare my kids straight.
Seriously, though, I feel like I coddle my kids less than their peers, yet they still enjoy a relatively easy life and their goals are readily met. Maybe it’s time to increase our expectations. (within limits!)
I love your friend’s suggestion! : )
And I do think it is hard to figure out when and how far to push to truly help a child develop their full potential without going too far. It is something we all need to continually work on. I know for myself, I always felt that the sweetest victories were those that I really had to work to accomplish.
Obviously there’s room in the world for all sorts of parenting because there are all sorts of kids. I guess it’s just finding that balance of getting the best out of your kids while making sure that they still enjoy life and don’t resent you later. Because, after all, what’s the point of having a concert pianist child who doesn’t want to invite you to her performances because you’re just going to criticize her at the end of the night if it wasn’t perfect?
And tearing up birthday cards? Yeah, that’s kind of not cool no matter why you do it.
I think the key word you used is “balance.” Finding the right balance for each child — helping and encouraging them to reach their potential (which might involve some “tough love” or pushing) — is the key. But it is hard to do while you are in the think of things I think.
I followed some of the news stories when this came out and felt compassion for the mom who was just trying to do the best she could for her kids. I actually think some pushing isn’t bad. We’re supposed to make them the best people they can be and it takes a different style for every kid.
I agree … some pushing isn’t bad. I realized while reading this book that I needed to do more pushing than I was doing. It is our job to prepare our kids for the “real” world after all.
I have heard this was a great book. I read an article about her in Newsweek and I thought then, I wanted to read it. She was not apologetic in the article either and she made some valid points. Great review.
She isn’t apologetic in the slightest … though she does admit to having moments of weakness and doubt in the book. She does make valid points though … and I think sometimes the extreme stuff stops people from hearing those points!
Although that heavy-handed approach would definitely not be my style, I’m sure that it would also make for an interesting read!
It was fascinating. I couldn’t imagine living under that “regime” or enforcing it but it gave me lots to think about.
I think the amount of “push” depends on the individual child. I happen to live with 2 teenagers who PUSH themselves more than I could ever do. We walk on pins and needles with these two sometimes. My freshman in college has never made a grade below an A…and she’s taken the heftiest classes available, college classes her senior year and higher level college courses so far. I know it will happen someday and I’m not looking forward to it. Certainly she is not “the norm,” but again, my point was that parents have to decide how best to parent their own individual kids; I’m not sure there’s one right way to parent. If there is, please somebody send me that book
I think it is true that the parenting style must vary from child to child. Sounds like you have some very self-motivated kids and you need to do the opposite — teach them how to take it easy and relax and enjoy life as well. I need that magical parenting book too!
I read this while listening to my oldestplaying the clarinet. The instrument that she could excell at if only she tried. We are at 20 minutes and she is whining. I don’t think I am cut out for extreme parenting,
That was an interesting juxtaposition to read this post while listening to your daughter practice clarinet. I’m not cut out for extreme parenting either but this book made me realize I should push my son a bit more than I do. Being too easy and “rah rah” all the time isn’t going to help him in the long run.
I am not an extreme parent advocate but I agree that a little extra push could help your child go above the usual to see where it goes. Hope all is well jenners..trying to blog from my phone. It’s tough but glad to read your posts
A little push doesn’t hurt at all. In fact, when I’ve done it with my son, that is when I’ve seen the most growth. But all pushing can’t be good either.
Can’t imagine doing my blogging via phone!! Good luck with it and I hope you are well.
I don’t think I have the energy for this type of extreme parenting. I wonder if her daughters will write a book someday, telling how it affected their lives.
I found a mom on Twitter (Asian, too) who parents her kids this way. When her Asperger son got 2 Cs in AP classes, she told him he might as well as gotten an F. She also said that his 160 IQ was going to waste.
Way to motivate.
This point of view, according to the book, assumes that the child is coming from a position of strength and can handle the expectations and harsh criticism that comes from “telling it like it is.” It is a fine line though between emotional abuse and pushing your child to reach their potential.
I remember hearing about all this on the news. While I don’t agree with her parenting style (at least to that extreme), I do respect her.
We did push our kids a fair amount, but only because we knew what they were capable of. Funny thing is, though, kids are all individuals with varying personalities so what works for one isn’t necessarily going to work for another. Ultimately, all a parent can do is raise them to the best of their ability (both theirs and the child’s) .
Interesting review!
This book opened my eyes to see that I needed to be a bit harder on my son because of his natural “laziness” and the fact that many things come easy to him so he tends not to try. He also tends to give up when things get hard and that isn’t going to serve him well in life. And it is so true that each child needs their own unique parenting approach. This stuff isn’t easy!
I’m not sure this is a book for me. I’ve watched my neighbor parent her children in this fashion and the results were not pleasant. I do believe we as parents need to expect more from our children, effort would be nice, but truthfully, no child comes with instructions and even if they did, would they turn out the way we “made’ them, I think they turn out to be who they were supposed to be. Thanks for your great review.
I’m sure it is hard to watch close up, and Chua does sound really awful in many parts of the book. Yet she makes some valid points that I think we can take away while leaving much of it behind.
Should make interesting reading. We hear so many ‘horror’ stories about chldren being raised differently from what is generally accepted as our cultral norm, rarely giving any thought to the idea that our way may not be the best way.
I think Western parents would be wise to listen to what Chua has to say and adapt it to their own style of parenting. I think a good blend of the two approaches would be ideal.
Excellent review! I think there’s a lot for parents to garner from this book, as you point out. Our children are strong, and can take a little push (or more!) to help them reach their potentials.
Exactly! Chua’s primary point is that Western parents don’t assume the child has the strength and talent that a Chinese mother knows is in there and just needs to be brought out. I think there is a lot of value to that view.
I’ve been wanting to read this one since I first started reading all of the press about it. While this extreme parenting method doesn’t work for me I agree with you that there are always elements that can be taken and used with my own son. Great review Jenners and thanks for reminding me that I’ve left this one to languish too long on my TBR list.
It gave me lots of food for thought and definite areas that I needed to work on with my son. It was an interesting read if nothing else!
I bought this book but haven’t had a chance to read it. I do think we’re too child-centric in this country and could probably take some tips from Chua.
One of the overachievers at my son’s high school was Korean. Vance spend the night with him one Friday and came home and told me that the whole family got up at 5:30 on Saturday and studied. Albert’s family demanded a lot of him, but they also served as an example of the behavior they expected of him.
I bet this book would make a fascinating book club read.
This would be a rollicking book club read, I suspect!!! Your point about Vance’s friend is a good one. This style of parenting asks just as much from the parent as the child. It isn’t anything the parents aren’t doing themselves.
I was really intrigued by this one because of the controversy also. I agree that it’s frustrating that people judge her based on what other people have said about the book rather than giving her the respect of actually reading it before forming an opinion. I know I’ll eventually read it, but it’s kind of lower down on my list.
Interesting that it made you think about pushing your son a little more. I should probably do the same with my kids. They’re similar to your son probably in that school is pretty easy for them so they don’t have to put in much effort. Interesting to think about.
The book definitely makes you think about your own parenting style — regardless of what you think of Chua’s style. I thought she made some good points, although I do think she went too far and I know I don’t have it in me to be that kind of parent.