This week, I’m going with Prompt 5: A day in the life of your pet…how bad do they have it? Rather than have me tell you, I thought I’d let Romeo tell you himself. Of course, if you haven’t met Romeo yet, a photo might help.
Morning. I am plucked from my bed in the prison by She Who Provides All and taken outside … YES, OUTSIDE … in the cold to do my morning duty. She Who Provides All constantly says “potty potty potty.” I don’t understand why she must wait to see me void my bowels. It is humiliating. She won’t let me back inside until I do. And what is most appalling is that all of THEM get a special little room to do their duty INSIDE THE HOUSE where it is warm. It is unjust and unfair. To communicate my dislike of this double standard, I sneak off behind a chair and drop a load.
Later In The Morning. I accompany She Who Provides All and The Loud One outside to stand around with a bunch of other Loud Ones. I am repeatedly denied access to shoes, sticks, plastic, trash, dead worms and poop. I am displeased. Eventually a giant loud yellow machine comes and takes The Loud One away. I have She Who Provides All to myself until The Loud One’s return! Yippee! No more competition for sitting on her lap or getting her attention.
She Who Provides All then insists on making me walk around the block. Ordinarily this would be OK with me, but I am not permitted to investigate every single interesting smell I encounter, chase after those loud fast machines, stand for hours watching people in their garages or eat trash. This is why I run from her when she tries to get me excited about a walk. She takes all the fun out of it. Plus I really don’t see the point. We start at the house and end at the house so why bother walking around pointlessly? Worse yet, she will make me do this TWO MORE TIMES TODAY!
Mid-Morning. She Who Provides All doesn’t seem to appreciate my assistance with the laundry. My sorting of the socks (testing them for strength and durability by chewing on them) is met only with cries of “Leave it. Leave it.”
Afternoon. I am taken to a spa for my kind and given a bath and a haircut. I’m shocked how different the world looks now that I’m viewing it without a mess of hair in my eyes. When She Who Provides All comes to pick me up, I’m taken aback by her appearance. Clearly, I am too cute for this family, who turned out not to be as attractive as I thought now that I’m seeing them in high definition. Still, I shall stay with them until I find a more suitable family to cater to my every whim. Also, my lovely odor has been removed. Must roll in some dead worms as soon as possible to get back to my sweet-smelling self.
Midafternoon. She Who Provides All goes away and leaves me in the Place I Go When They Leave Without Me. I am not pleased. I cry and whine for her but eventually drift off for a nap.
Several Million Hours Later. I am still waiting for She Who Provides All to return. I think I have been left here, abandoned, for an ungodly length of time. I think I have aged since she has been gone. But wait … what is that I hear? A rumbling noise that usually signals her return. She’s home! She’s home! She’s home! She’s home! Here she comes! Here she comes! I’m out! I’m spraying urine to display my great joy at her return! I’m being taken outside and told to go potty!
Tonight at Dinner. I was once again served the same monotonous kibble that I am given every day. Yet my observations reveal that THEY are not eating the same thing. My detective work after each meal reveals crumbs of varying size, color and consistency.
What they were eating tonight at the big high table smelled particularly tantalizing so I made myself extra cute and waited patiently by The Loud One’s chair. He seems clumsy and leaves the most crumbs under his chair after they are finished eating so he will be my target. However, he seems to dislike what THEY are eating so I move on to She Who Provides All. Perhaps she will expand ALL to include a little tiny taste of what she is eating.
After cocking my head in a way that seems to delight her, it actually happened! She reached down and gave me a morsel of what I can only describe as pure heaven. It awakened my taste buds and put me into a frenzy. I must have more!! More! More! More! This thing they call chicken has awoken my palate to the wonders of food! More! More! More! If you want, I will listen to all your silly commands! I will dance! Just give me more chicken!
When She Who Provides All gets up to get something, I make my move … leaping onto her chair and going for her plate. I need another explosion of pure pleasure in my mouth! Why was I being denied this delicious food and served kibble!!???!!!??? However, The Tall One Who Disturbs Me While Sleeping yelled at me and She Who Provides All put me into the Place I Go When They Leave Without Me. I’m not happy. Not one tiny bit.
Later. It is the time when The Loud One goes to sleep on a giant bed that should be rightfully mine. She Who Provides All and the Loud One allow me on the bed while they flip through paper things that I would very much like to chew on. For these brief minutes, I revel in the comfort and space that I think I deserve. Although I am relegated to the bottom of the bed, I stealthily move my way up, inch by inch, aiming for the soft fluffy things they rest their heads on. I WANT THAT!
But then I am forced to leave the comfort of the giant bed … even though I feign sleep and try not to be noticed. She Who Provides All plucks me off and makes me go downstairs with her, where I slumber in my less than acceptable “doggie bed” and listen to her touch buttons on a long flat thing. She then subjects me to the indignity of the outside potty and then locks me in my prison for the night while she sleeps in an even bigger giant bed that clearly has enough room for me sleep on. The list of injustices against me continues to accumulate. Tomorrow, I plan to pee on the carpet and pretend I just didn’t understand that she wants me to do that outside.